roll up

If I could roll up and die right now I think I would,  And that's sad,  because I have two really good kids---my daughter is about to graduate from law school,.  She is beautiful and smart and sensible,  Always has been my pride and joy.  My son has made me proud too.  He works hard and steady. He is a good man---both of my kids, so sensible, steady and upright,  So what the hell happened to me?  God forgive me for this weakness in me.  Obsessed with a man I can't have---obsessed.  Feel suicidal over a man who doesn't give me a second thought all day, I bet.  He says he does, but I doubt it.  How can you have time to think of anyone else when you've got six kids under foot and one on the way and a wife who is always with you, and who you have also described as your best friend, alternating with ghetto, bad bitch, etc, etc,  The pain and the obsession is killing me.  Killing me,  Lord take away this ;pain,.  Take him from my brain,  I want him to love me but I can't take it anymore. Get him another job somewhere Lord,.  Take him from my sight,.  I can't look at him anymore I want him so bad to be mine  Why oh why oh why did you put him in my life, Lord. I'm so sorry that I failed the temptation test.  Failed again. Failed again.  And why always a man who takes and takes, gives me NOTHING in return, not even a text, not nothing but the random night time call when I'm so fucking tired  God WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.  i JUsst want to be free from this pain.  It wasn't worth it, Lord, knowing him.  Even though he woke me from my grave, Lord, It seems I was better off dead.  I was happy dead.  Now I can't even make it through the front page of the newspaper my mind wonders away so bad.  Wonders away, and thinks only of him.  I am so restless Lord,  NOthing worse than feeling so restless that you could just float away---your mind, wish  you just float away and then pop somewhere over the ocean into oblivion.  Jesus Lord, take this pain from me.    Lord please take this pain and obsession from me,  Put me in  a good place with him Lord,  A healthy place,.  I hate being just his friend---because that opens the door for him to find someone else----how that will hurt.  Oh my Lord, take my pain from me,  heal me, Lord  Heal my pain.  Let me love him in a healthy way---in a caring way,.  Forgive me.