Dear Lord in your infinite mercy have pity on me---a repeat sinner and an old fool. Lord, there really is nothing worse and more pitiful in this world than an old fool.
So what happened was, Otis needed money for a Marta pass for the week. Even though I swear this guy always has cash in his pocket. There was enough that he was going to buy some chinese food Friday night, without of course, offering to buy me anything. But I always want in on this action and i always want to buy his love, so desperately. So I threw down my fifteen dollars and then I was happy later on when Joseph called him and asked if I was his girlfirend, because I want everyone to know, and I have no pride at all. I'm a shameless harlot, just like in the Psalms, the one who leads a young man astray. So Otis wanted that money, and I don't know what happened. He was going to wait for me in the morning again but then he told me Amber was waiting outside and then the next thing I know he said "She just left" and I'm like what the hell is going on. And now thinking back the only thing i can think of is that he did not answer his cell phone when she called and so she got pissed and left. So he waited for me and we left and I asked him if he was hungry and he said yes and by his own admission once he said he was greedy and then I said, why don't you call your daddy and he can go out to eat with us too. He liked that idea and I think somehow likes to show off in front of his dad----like, look dad, I got me a white sugar mama.
Things started to unravel for me when the waitress, a black girl in her late 20's, early 30s, named Takela, started to hit so hard on Otis, and to a lesser degree, his dad, that I almost couldn't believe my eyes and ears. The hits were so blatant and disgusting and disrespectful that I was completely ---shocked. I realize that she may not have even considered that Otis could be with me, or mine. Maybe she thought her was my son and his dad my husband. If she thought we were together and still continued with her shameless behavior. but I realized with a devastatingly sad jolt was that he was NOT my man, my territory, to defend, and that he never would be.
Later that night I was talking to this with Yonnie, my new friend from Housekeeping, and Jimmy heard it and he told me in a phrase that I didn't understand exactly what he was trying to tell me---but he told me firstly. You're married. You have a husband. And HE is not your man. I haven't said anything until now but I'm telling you now, and then he said the phrase, which i forget, but the best I can interpret it was "WAtch yourself" or shape up, or get smarter, or quit being a fool, maybe that unique phrase meant all of it. I don't know. I know that Jimmy has not been lliking what he hAS been seeing, and I can only attribute it to one of several reasons, or all of them, or some combination of them. One---he is morally opposed to a black and white combination, Two---he expects better from me (though he never stayed faithful in his own marriages, or to his current girlfriend, so I don''t understand this hypocrisy coming from him), three, he is jealous and wishes he had hit me up himself. four--that I'm making a huge fool of myself and to watch my behavior because my reputation was about to blow up, and maybe five, that I am an old fucking fool and making a fool out of myself. Like I said, I really think Jimmy's feelings run to a mixture of all of these, and so here I am, feeling just what I am, an old, fucking fool who should have known better. Should have, should have, should have.
And so this morning, in an agony of guilt and remorse, my conscience just eating me up (and what did my mother always say, as long as you've got a conscience, that little voice tearing you up, you can still be saved,. And now my Lord, convict me, save me, forgive me.
What part of me actually loves Amber too? I don't know why, but I do. Because when I get obsessed with a man, I like get obsessed with everyone in his whole life and this time that includes the wife. But I like her, cuz she is one tough black bitch, and she knows how to get a man and not have to buy his love. I want a man who buys me shit. I realize how very much I was just literally buying Otis' love, and he took it, took it all. so for him, he can't feel like a real man as far as I'm concerned, because he can't take care of me like he takes care of her, all of her needs. he does all of the housework, did loads and loads of laundry because he doesn't want her to tire herself (she's so fat now with the kid that she huffs and puffs with little exertion) he buys her everything, takes care of his woman. And me, I do not feel like a woman when I buy him things. I just feel like a pathetic example of a female who will do anything for love. Otis' dad was telling a story about a brother or friend who had just gotten out of jail after 27 years, and women were still running after him---said how back in the day women would come by and he would tell them, I need 2000 dollars, and the stupid bitch would pull up with 2 grand and the guy would tell Otis' dad, count tht money, make sure it's all there. And then a second woman would pull up with 3 grand, and the brother told Otis' dad, count the money, make sure it's all there. "And this went on with a woman bringing four grand and five grand. I'm llike, what the hell, where they getting this money? And I realize that I am these women, buying love, only on a smaller scale. And Otis' dad said how this man would say to a woman, i want these shoes or that coat, and the woman would say, but they're 600 hundred dollars ! And the guy would say, /buy 'em.
There are basically two kinds of women in this world---those that have to buy a man's love, and those that do not, and they somehow get the man to buy them everything, Amber is the latter kind, and I am the former kind. i ADMIRE HER. Of course, she also had several baby daddys who beat the hell out of her, and I have never had anyone ever hit me, ---nor would I ever accept that---being hit. Maybe "God just decided to send her a good one, for once. And here he is, cheating on her---but I almost think he can separate that in his mind I almost think that it's not so much that he's cheating on her, but getting something extra and free for himself. Little prizes, little gifts, from me, that make him good----but that the real prize is at home---his woman, his amber, the woman he kills himself to please. "And it makes me so angry and so sad because I can see this rather clearly now---And I love him so much and need to extricate myself from this very bad situation, bad for me, that is, because I'm the only one not getting anything out of this---just more broke.
The other thing that bothered me was Amber texted him and she wrote, What's good for you, Otis, is what's gonna be good for me! In other words, if he;s cheating, and I'm not sure who she thinks he's cheating with, cuz she doesn't seem to think it's me, if he's cheating, she's gonna cheat. And nothing strikes more fear in him than to have her threaten him that she's gonna cheat. I don't know what kind of hold this woman has on him, but Goddam it this fat black bitch has him twisted around her little finger so tight that he would jump through a ring of fire for her. I don't what she has, but he has it for her, bad, and I am so jealous of her It eats me alive---she has some sort of charisma----the X factor-==she does. she commands respect, she is fearsome black woman. A force to be reckoned with, and he just loves her. I feel it. I am so jealous of it.
Also, he has called her ghetto before, basically when she goes back to ghetto behavior when she has to set the situation to rights---but this is what i learned just from having a black woman hit on MY man (well, hell she didn't know he WASNT mine, the definition of ghetto is this: a woman, any woman of any race, who has been wronged and scorned and who is now going to set that situation right" that's ghetto. And I have myself gone ghetto before---when one Karen Agan was messing with Joe, baby I went fucking ghetto on her. Told her I would cut her kids fucking ear off and mail it to her in a box, told her all kinds of shit, on her answering machine. I went ghetto on Joe too. Screamed at him for sending her roses, after their break-up. GHETTO is what a woman has to stoop to to get her point across, because that's all the fuck-up hoe is gonna understand who is trying to steal her man, I don't blame Amber for going ghetto---because I saw first-hand that a woman will steal your man right out from under your damn nose, while you're looking her in the face, and her without shame, if you don't set that bitch straight from the get-go. I asked Otis what would have happened if Takela had been hitting on him in front of her. He said oh hell, she would have gone all ghetto on her, there would have been screaming, a big scene, we would have been kicked out of here before we got our food.
I went to Kroger and got Otis a six pack of blue moon beer, and his daddy two packs of Archway oatmeal cookies, because he said he couldn't find them anywhere at the two grocery stores he visited, and he was hinting so blatantly in the back seat that I knew I needed to get him his cookies. I got forty dollars cash back from my debit card, came back to the car and handed over the goods, and a twenty to Otis for his marta pass. I took them back to Springdale Street and dropped them off. Neither one said thank you and neither one looked back as I drove away. And I realize that for them to thank me would then be an indication that me paying for their meals was an acknowledgement that they couldn't afford it and couldn't treat me, a lady, to breakfast. No, me paying for their breakfast showed the daddy that he still had the gift, and the son had the gift, of getting a desperate woman (and how much better because I am white?) to buy their shit, give them shit, buy their love and acceptance, and to take it because they thought they deserved it---took it as their due, just took it. Just took it without thanks, as being perfectly acceptable and natural. And why not? If a woman is willing to do it, then they are more than willing to let that foolish, desperate woman buy her way in. Oh Amber. Amber. Show me how you do it.
Teach me your ways. I want to be the other kind of woman. I want to take, and not look back . Accept it. Feel entitled to it. Show me how, Amber. I do not know how. Your man and his daddy. they good and goddam know NEVER, never, to put their hands out to you, and expect you to pay. Girl, you got it all right, and girl, I've got it so so so so so so wrong!
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