last day of radiation and missing him

For my 52nd birthday I received the gift of a diagnosis of a very small type of cancer in my left breast.  T"his blog is not about cancer or surviving it.  It's about all the things you face when you hit that fifty mark..  Your  body is gonna start telling on you---telling your age, giving it away.  Your health, your beauty, your vigor---yeah, everything you took for granted is now like a precious and non-renewable commodity.

So after eight years I decided to go get another mammogram.  Why?  I don't know why.  I have been in a true mid-life crisis.  Started walking again, started losing weight.  Was approached at work by a handsome, 32 year old black man who said to me, I can't wait until next weekend.  I said why?  He said, so I can see you again.   I'm like what?  What?  Back that up, back that up!  What are you talkin about?  I can't stop thinking about you, he said.  And left. 

That was back in September.  By October I was in deep, in deep with him.  Otis.  So as any woman who has ever been in love can attest---that weight  just started falling off.  The sparkle came back in my eye.  I was alive again, because I was dead.  Dead, for 15 years.  I just let myself go to hell for 15 years.  I was good for 15 years, because I am married.  I haven't messed around for 15 years.  And I was dead, too.  Dead and settling, dead and conceding.  Just dead.

So I went to the GYN.  Got cleared on the PAP--check.  Hell, I've lived such a clean life that I don't even have HPV.  I thought everyone has that.  So next up, I thought, Mammogram.  Went down to the breas center to make an appointment in person (I am a nurse so I just thought I would go down and make an appointment.  Turns out you can't make an appointment in person.  You have to go through the call center.  Waited a few weeks.  Called.  Made the appointment.  Went down after work.  Got my boob smashed by Perlotta, or whatever the boob-smashing experts name was.  Three days later, got a lettr from the radiologist stating that there were some abnormalities noted and that I needed to come back for further testing.  Oh Goddammit, what NOW?  couldn't I just have it easy for once?  Consulted my friend Pam, at work, who said she got the same letter.  Went back for further testing and found nothing.  So I'm thinking, OK, probably same deal for me.  Not to worry.  Still, I felt anxious, and went in search of Dr. Phillips, a general surgeon whose passion is the breast.  I am an OR nurse, and I found her down in outpatient surgery on February 23rd.  She told me to proceed directly to breast imaging and they would shoot me through the system, so I could get back upstairs to work in my own OR room.  And I was already thinking about saving that letter from radiology for my scrapbook of life experiences.