Oh humanity. Oh pain. Oh love. Sitting here at six in the morning with my son. Couldn't sleep, so I got up at five thirty. He got home at six. I don't know where I went wrong with Otis. Why he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did. I don't know what I did----I still love him and I still want him. But somewhere between last friday and last saturday he had an epiphany and he said we need to re-evaluate this relationship. And he said he would call me sometime next week but so far he has not called at night and I wasnt going to pick it up anyway, but I at least wanted to know he called, and cared. Why Oh Lord, did you put me through this.? I met this guy for a reason. yes I lost weight. Yes I feel better, but I'm not sure any of it is worth this pain, this pain of knowing love, feeling love, being inn love, and losing it all, losing it all, and it wasn't much anyway, but still, it was like a drug, and it was powerful, and made me feel like a queen, made me feel on top of the world, like a million dollars, hopeful, happy, young, ...
Tom and I are watching World War II in color, and the opening montage of people in pain, people struggling, dying, ---all the folly of humanity, and somewhere in there, broken hearts everywhere,
Sometime sthis life is more than i can bear, because I don't understand it. I don't understand this life, Lord. What are you doing with us down here? Are you laughing? Crying? Shaking your head? I know I chose this Lord, so I deserve it, all the pain. Lord, I pray that I may never be so stupid again....Let me try and love Joe again. Let me try. ANd forgive me Lord when I say it, sometimes I'm just ready to come home, too. A life down here without the kind of love I just felt seems to be a sad, empty colorless life---void of everything --
I think about Otis, what is happening at home, in that busy house, I'm kind of obsessed with everyone, with that young, nubile Jordyn, her friends, what he sees, who he's lusting over. what's going on, what he is eating, whois he hitting on at work. Is there someone else at work. Man, I'm hurting so bad, I can't say. I hurt so bad I can't even cry. If Icry Imight die. The pain is unbelievable.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
in the beginning
This time last year, 2010, i was a fat woman----I had lost some weight but not much---I weighed at least 226 pounds, I only know because when I went and got a pap smear for the first time in 5 or so years, they weighed me. I was depressed to see that i weighed that much---
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Death be not proud
I only give this this title because I swear, if I had any guts, and it wasn't Jordan's birthday on the 23rd, I'd seriously think about killing myself. I have created for myself such a hole---such a pit of pain, that I don't know how I'm gonna crawl out of it. This thing with Otis---not good. Not good at all. Somehow managed to get $3200 back in taxes and it's all gone, and don't know where it all went. I know I didn't spend it all on this man. but I spent some of it on him. My house is fucked up. Imean, my HOUSE,----the people in it----everyone living with suspicions about me, their mother, their wife. Who is this woman, who listens to rap and hip/hop. Who is THIS WOMAN?
imaposer, just a poser, and grieving cuz it's over
*In all of these blogs I have been pouring out my anger on Otis, with Otis, at Otis, but I never gave the aftermath of any of the situations---and I have come to the conclusion that Otis is just a simple man, he just wants to live, to live and be happy, thats what he said to me today, after we both mutually agreed to give each other up---to be friends. He did what I prayed God that he would do---he said it, he said it----I think we need to reevaluate this relationship, with that wry sad smile===not wanting to hurt me. He never want to hurt anybody---I so get it. He is so fucking good to Amber. It just seems that God does put together with wisdom. He put me with Joe because he knew I would look beyond his behavior, and try tounderstand it, even when I don't like it---I would and do understnd it , So Otis is with Amber, and it fucking pisses me off---cuz he is so sweet. and he hooked himself up by choice to a she-devil. He said, she is so gotdamn greedy. If you pour yourself a glass of Koolaid and take it to her to give her a sip, she'll drink the whole gotdamn thing. Butit's in he, it's in her I tell you. She'd try to take your puss all to herself too. I know it. But her greediness, her anger, it's in her, from her mom and her dad. It pisses her off when I tell her that, but then she acknowledges---it's true. So it is with Joe, his behavior is IN him, learned, formed as reaction to the environment, and I get it, and Otis gets it. And here we are. ANd he tried to explain, how he wished she wasnt like that and Joe wasn't like he was and then he and I could go out and just enjoy being together (here I didn't know what he meant, did he mean go out as friends? because all that hurt me so bad, cuz I just don't want to be rfriends. I wanted him to love me like Amber, like a woman. I wanted him to want my pussy bad, to crave it, to have to have itl And I don't think he did, I remember how whenhe first starting htting on me, how he said he would masturbate while thinking about me, and waatch his skeet shoot up andhit the bathroom door. I don't know how much of that was bullshit, but I feel so fucking inadequate that i couldn't measure up to the fantasy. I wonder if he got to thinking about the blood and how he couldn't take any more of that.
Oh my god how depressed I feel. Here in my 52 year old white body---with a pussy that can barely respond anymore, no more wetness, no more rain coming from my body. HOw I have never ridden, how I can barely suck dick, how I suck basically at lovemaking, or sex, or fucking, or whatever. Troy---talking to Troy again. I'm telling you Troy is 48 years old and he says he could still make love all night with a seven minute breather in betwwen. He says, very sadly, Joanne is wasting a good dick, man. A good dick. It's such a waste. He told me how he and Kelly used to just fuck everywhere, outside in the dark, leaning against there apartment, behind the car door on the fourth of July while Kelly's sons were sitting on the hood of the car. Fucking like two rabbits. How I envy people who can just fuck for pure pleasure. How envious I am of that. Man, do I ever have thepuritanupbringing. Troy says black women are mean. He says, now a white woman, if there is a problem in the marriage, or a little cheating, a white woman might suggest counseling, but a black woman would just tell youto get the hell onout with your bitch.
SO YESTerday I got home after spending 300 dollars on him and as I drove away after dropping him off at his dads, i got the most awful feeling, the most helpless, horrible guilty feeling. I knew it was all wrong, --and then, when I got home, I tried to lay down. and my daughter calledand then she came, and my whole family was stting in the family room wqtching tv. Joe made us all gyros and served us all, and I could barely live with myself, look at my daughter, look aat my husband, theman i have been married to for almost 35 years. and I could hardly live with myself, myguilt, my foolishness, and I was convict4ed, and I said to myself, Ihave to end this tonight. I do. I was never more convicted
And it was so weird because at the very time I ws g oing through what I was feeling, Otis was going through the same thing. I don't know when it started for him, yestedyY. i blame that fucking waffle house! wE walked in and sat down. Immediately he seemed totally out of sync. The waitress laid down our silverware, and I saw what I thought was speck of food on his fork, ---it turned out that htere was some dried grits on it. and i didn't see when he handed the waitress the fork---was I looking at the menuj---so out of character for him to do that===she came over with a hot glass of water and sunk all of our silverware in the cup of hot water!. I said, wht is this? She said, I'm sterilizing your silverware. I was alittle surprised. In the meantime, he just became more andmore agitated with the noise, the bustle, the dirt, the eightor nine waitresses and cooks behind the counter, all talking and flexing and he didn't like ours either, theyt were all black, by the way. He order pork chops and eggs, and he didn't like the pork chop. He liked the hash browns and he forked them and his eggs down, and he couldnt get out of there faster. I had never seen him like this, almost what, pouty? cranky? not satisfied. not greatful or happy with this breakfast. I was disappointed. I wanted him to just be happy to be getting a free breakfast and to be with me. but he could not stand the environment---he never wanted to go to another waffle house, ever. but in the meantime, while we were waiting, we talked. He said, I saw Becki. I said, becki who? he said, becki. You know becki! Your sisiter Becke. I'm like what? how? On faybook-- she showed me. Who? you mean Amber. you mean your wife? He nodded. i didn't really want to know what he thoght of Becki, or whatever pictures he saw, or why "Amber showed him those pictures. and were they under my profile, or did she do a little stalking and go under beckis?
I just looked at him. We just looked int each other's eyes. He has the best eyes. The most beautiful eyes--yiou could get lost in his beautiful face I do. He justlooked at me so long and deep and I swear he was almmmost going to cry. Is there somoething you need to tell me, I said. I told her I was deeply in love with you. He said it with such sincerity that I almost believed it. Why would he say such a thing to me. I knowhe would never say that to her---but why would he say that to me. I am, I am, deeplly in love with you, he said. You did not say that to her, did you? I said. Imean, you did't, did you. He just looked atme, again, I thought he was going to cry---I got the feeling thne, that things had changed for him, something, somethingwas wrong, he was feeling some kind of way that wsn't right anymore, ---like me. During all that time, Amber kept calling him and he refused to answer. I said why don't you answer her, man. that is driving her crazy. All you have to do is pick it up----she doesn't understnd why you're not picking up It doesn't look good. what is she supposed to think. Yet he refused to pick itup, or even text her. I'm not sure why. Did he feel guilty that he was with me and he couldn't pick itup and lie straight to her. He does have a problem, if you could cll it that with lying to her---I can't lie to my best friend he once told me. The irony, ---and how jealous I was to hear that too. The only other thing I could thik of was that it was paybck to her, because she did't pick up when he called her many times too. and it drove him wild. What sort of fucking game did these two have going The only thing is though, that i tended to believe that she was up to no good when she did't answer. She told him things like the phone battery was dead, the connection couldn[t be made, she had it on vibrate, etc. etc. But I didnt believe any of that, because I believe hat woman always stayed connected through her cell phone---and she couldn't be reached only 8if she didnt want to be reached.
Well I dropped him off at his da
Oh my god how depressed I feel. Here in my 52 year old white body---with a pussy that can barely respond anymore, no more wetness, no more rain coming from my body. HOw I have never ridden, how I can barely suck dick, how I suck basically at lovemaking, or sex, or fucking, or whatever. Troy---talking to Troy again. I'm telling you Troy is 48 years old and he says he could still make love all night with a seven minute breather in betwwen. He says, very sadly, Joanne is wasting a good dick, man. A good dick. It's such a waste. He told me how he and Kelly used to just fuck everywhere, outside in the dark, leaning against there apartment, behind the car door on the fourth of July while Kelly's sons were sitting on the hood of the car. Fucking like two rabbits. How I envy people who can just fuck for pure pleasure. How envious I am of that. Man, do I ever have thepuritanupbringing. Troy says black women are mean. He says, now a white woman, if there is a problem in the marriage, or a little cheating, a white woman might suggest counseling, but a black woman would just tell youto get the hell onout with your bitch.
SO YESTerday I got home after spending 300 dollars on him and as I drove away after dropping him off at his dads, i got the most awful feeling, the most helpless, horrible guilty feeling. I knew it was all wrong, --and then, when I got home, I tried to lay down. and my daughter calledand then she came, and my whole family was stting in the family room wqtching tv. Joe made us all gyros and served us all, and I could barely live with myself, look at my daughter, look aat my husband, theman i have been married to for almost 35 years. and I could hardly live with myself, myguilt, my foolishness, and I was convict4ed, and I said to myself, Ihave to end this tonight. I do. I was never more convicted
And it was so weird because at the very time I ws g oing through what I was feeling, Otis was going through the same thing. I don't know when it started for him, yestedyY. i blame that fucking waffle house! wE walked in and sat down. Immediately he seemed totally out of sync. The waitress laid down our silverware, and I saw what I thought was speck of food on his fork, ---it turned out that htere was some dried grits on it. and i didn't see when he handed the waitress the fork---was I looking at the menuj---so out of character for him to do that===she came over with a hot glass of water and sunk all of our silverware in the cup of hot water!. I said, wht is this? She said, I'm sterilizing your silverware. I was alittle surprised. In the meantime, he just became more andmore agitated with the noise, the bustle, the dirt, the eightor nine waitresses and cooks behind the counter, all talking and flexing and he didn't like ours either, theyt were all black, by the way. He order pork chops and eggs, and he didn't like the pork chop. He liked the hash browns and he forked them and his eggs down, and he couldnt get out of there faster. I had never seen him like this, almost what, pouty? cranky? not satisfied. not greatful or happy with this breakfast. I was disappointed. I wanted him to just be happy to be getting a free breakfast and to be with me. but he could not stand the environment---he never wanted to go to another waffle house, ever. but in the meantime, while we were waiting, we talked. He said, I saw Becki. I said, becki who? he said, becki. You know becki! Your sisiter Becke. I'm like what? how? On faybook-- she showed me. Who? you mean Amber. you mean your wife? He nodded. i didn't really want to know what he thoght of Becki, or whatever pictures he saw, or why "Amber showed him those pictures. and were they under my profile, or did she do a little stalking and go under beckis?
I just looked at him. We just looked int each other's eyes. He has the best eyes. The most beautiful eyes--yiou could get lost in his beautiful face I do. He justlooked at me so long and deep and I swear he was almmmost going to cry. Is there somoething you need to tell me, I said. I told her I was deeply in love with you. He said it with such sincerity that I almost believed it. Why would he say such a thing to me. I knowhe would never say that to her---but why would he say that to me. I am, I am, deeplly in love with you, he said. You did not say that to her, did you? I said. Imean, you did't, did you. He just looked atme, again, I thought he was going to cry---I got the feeling thne, that things had changed for him, something, somethingwas wrong, he was feeling some kind of way that wsn't right anymore, ---like me. During all that time, Amber kept calling him and he refused to answer. I said why don't you answer her, man. that is driving her crazy. All you have to do is pick it up----she doesn't understnd why you're not picking up It doesn't look good. what is she supposed to think. Yet he refused to pick itup, or even text her. I'm not sure why. Did he feel guilty that he was with me and he couldn't pick itup and lie straight to her. He does have a problem, if you could cll it that with lying to her---I can't lie to my best friend he once told me. The irony, ---and how jealous I was to hear that too. The only other thing I could thik of was that it was paybck to her, because she did't pick up when he called her many times too. and it drove him wild. What sort of fucking game did these two have going The only thing is though, that i tended to believe that she was up to no good when she did't answer. She told him things like the phone battery was dead, the connection couldn[t be made, she had it on vibrate, etc. etc. But I didnt believe any of that, because I believe hat woman always stayed connected through her cell phone---and she couldn't be reached only 8if she didnt want to be reached.
Well I dropped him off at his da
Friday, June 10, 2011
down and out in Atlanta
Sitting here on a Friday night, watching goddam Dr. Turner do his usual Friday night fucking bowel resection---this fool only has call through Friday night so you know he is good and goddam gonna make him some money on Friday night. Feeling low because I realize tthat something inside me has died---the passion that I had for Otis. Like we are reduced to me giving, him needing and him taking. That kind of relationship puts a relationship on an uneven playing field---things can't be right in that situation. Especially when one of the people is twenty years older than the other, and that one being a woman. I am so depressed to be 52 years old and not liking who I see, and it isn't fair, isn't fair at all that I have come into this situation with this man, and he's notmy race, so therefore I can not only not compete with any one my age, but also not my race. And of course I have become fascinated with the race, and I see everyone through his eyes, and I only see beautiful black girls with firm strong smooth long black limbs and high tight booties and fine high bosoms and full lips and flashing brown eyes, and I feel so old, and so fat, and so white and so pasty. and I don;t feel pretty at all, and I don't think white people are good looking anymore. WHite people are really very ugly---and I'm hating everything, and myself most of all. I can't be young and black===I can't be Jordyn, or even Amber. and I notice he has not come by the room to see me tonight, and I think it's dead for him, too. I feelvery sad to be witnessing the death of a relationship, to be a player in the death of a relationship. I hate everything, and I hate Dr. Turner that mother fucker for always having to do a goddam bowel resection on a Friday night. But what the hell, he and I have nothing to really say to each other any way. It's pretty much dead. dead dead dead and dead. These two, Dr. Foote and Dr. Turner are just amiably chatting away while they slowly snip away at bowel adhesions and take their own sweet fucking time on this patient. Disgusted with everything, you know? Truly tired. Need a change. Need to get out of this. Probably just tell him when I drop him off tomorrow---we're kind of dead, aren't we. Nothing going on here. Lets just move on.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
when you know . . .
So yesterday on Amber's profile on FB she writes this pseudo poem, which was actually ---very good for what if managed to convey in very simple direct terms, about how blessed she was with her seven children, how happy she was with her man, who wasn't perfect, but perfect for her, how happy they would be until they were old and gray, and how she would never cheat on her perfect man. And I wanted to puke because it made me sick to read it---sick to know that he does make her happy, in fact works hard to make her happy, that he is HER man, and if her is her man, than I am in fact, taking care of someone else's man and getting NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, in return for my money. I get better hugs from Troy and Ralph inthe hallway. I get no love. No affection. Not even a good hug. Not a romantic text. Nothing.
I'm not picking up that phone tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or the next night. I'll seehim Friday. I'll give him his shit and I'll tell him---this is the last shit I'm giving you. you are her man,. She can take care of you. Because why should I take care of you when you are hers, and she gets everything. And I get nothing--not even a good kiss. I get a call, and hints, lots of hints, about what you need, and what you lack, and yet, you always have forty dollars in your pocket and enough money for lottery tickets and the occasional kush. No. What a goddam fool I have been. Lord, what a world this is where there is no real love anymore. Everyone using everyone else to see what they can get. To see how much they can get. Man. I have been so manipulated.
You know what makes me sick? Amber got on there and said she has been blessed with seven children---but what she didn't post was that she sucked about eight of them out of her---hers and his---she used abortion like it was birth control, and it made me sick to know that she has had five or six abortions because why? Because apparently these people don't like the pill, for some damn reason. She gave her daughters bags of condoms, but what the hell---give them the damn pill. Now I see why it is that people oppose abortion---because, because, for a lot of people, it is birth control. And to me, it is, simply, murder. it really is. Think of the nae naes and niyahs and Nathans that she got rid of---her blessings that she randomly or not so randomly chose to eliminate. Why did she choose to keep nae nae and Niyah, and nathan, ? Because he was about to leave? Sometimes I think that is why she did have them, because her man, her food for her soul, was fixing to up and leave her ass. And she knew, she knew, that the kids are what keeps him in.
So here I am, a goddam pawn in this fucking game these people got going, and still, still, after all these years, nothing in it, for me.
I'm not picking up that phone tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or the next night. I'll seehim Friday. I'll give him his shit and I'll tell him---this is the last shit I'm giving you. you are her man,. She can take care of you. Because why should I take care of you when you are hers, and she gets everything. And I get nothing--not even a good kiss. I get a call, and hints, lots of hints, about what you need, and what you lack, and yet, you always have forty dollars in your pocket and enough money for lottery tickets and the occasional kush. No. What a goddam fool I have been. Lord, what a world this is where there is no real love anymore. Everyone using everyone else to see what they can get. To see how much they can get. Man. I have been so manipulated.
You know what makes me sick? Amber got on there and said she has been blessed with seven children---but what she didn't post was that she sucked about eight of them out of her---hers and his---she used abortion like it was birth control, and it made me sick to know that she has had five or six abortions because why? Because apparently these people don't like the pill, for some damn reason. She gave her daughters bags of condoms, but what the hell---give them the damn pill. Now I see why it is that people oppose abortion---because, because, for a lot of people, it is birth control. And to me, it is, simply, murder. it really is. Think of the nae naes and niyahs and Nathans that she got rid of---her blessings that she randomly or not so randomly chose to eliminate. Why did she choose to keep nae nae and Niyah, and nathan, ? Because he was about to leave? Sometimes I think that is why she did have them, because her man, her food for her soul, was fixing to up and leave her ass. And she knew, she knew, that the kids are what keeps him in.
So here I am, a goddam pawn in this fucking game these people got going, and still, still, after all these years, nothing in it, for me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
trust in God---he's all you've got when you realize you've got nothin' else --- a fact
Beginning to realize the futility of the situation---the foolishness of myself. The pain I go through, the agony. This morning I woke up and I asked myself something: "What did I think about before Otis came into my life." I mean, because he is the ONLY thing I can think about. He is on my mind all night long---when I roll around in my restless, tortured sleep, he drifts in and out of my thoughts, when I awake fully, he's there. All day long I think about him---where he's at, what he's doing. ANd I would lay my last dollar on the fact that this is not a mutual situation. THe saddest fact I ever had to face. So, truly, what did I think about before him? I mean, I can't think of anything meaningful at all that occupied my mind. Must've been something. Food? What kind of flowers I was going to plant? What parts of the house might I clean, albeit, half-assed? I mean, seriously, even now, I can't think of anything to replace him with, in my thoughts. The only thing I could think of is what sorts of things might take his place in my brain function. Pitiful. \
Friday night I don't know why I got so pissed but I shorted out. We were in room 15---he was cleaning it. I was listening to him---he has falled in love with a song called "motivation" and he didn't know who was the lead female singer, only that it was with L'il Wayne. So I dutifully googled it and up comes Kelly Rowland. I printed off the lyrics for him and I was sorta sitting there waiting for him to come back-===he had gone out. I don't really think it was that long that he was gone, but I guess it was long enough for me to either wonder about it or get bored, so I exited the room and started walking towards the front desk,and there he was, leaning against the wall in the case cart corridor with Yonnie leaning also on the wall and they were facing each other, and talking kind of seriously. It looked almost more intimate than he and I talk. It just pissed me off so fucking bad I don't know why! I just flipped him the bird as I walked by and he immediately became alarmed or worried (what, maybe, my MEAL TICKET is pissed)? and he said something, maybe about the lyrics, or maybe I said something about the lyrics. and he said, Where are you going and I said, to drink my fucking shake, and like I said, something went down about the lyrics and I said, you want your lyrics, here's your fuckinglyrics, and I threw them over my shoulder and onto the floor. He was kind of walking fast to catchup with me. We sat down at the front desk. I guess the pissed was all over my face. I can't keep it off. He must have felt guilty, there must have been something to feel guilty about, the way he came after me so fast, and the way they were standing. It just goddam set me off so quick. I don't like that, that jealousy--he said. It knd of reminded me of, of, Amber . . . Well guess what mothafucka, me and Amber are probably both getting screwed over by you and I get it, I get her, and what the fuck. He said, I was standing there telling her you were going to have my baby. I'm like what? I don't believe that. You want me to ask her, he said? No. No. I said. What did she say. He said, She said, How. How could that happen. Like maybe she thinks I'm too old to have any---that fat, dumb bitch (though I kind of likeYonnie). Now I'm wondering if she was tellinghim that she thought she was pregnant, )I have given her two pregnancy tests so far --both negative) What if she was telling him the kid mightbe his!? He said, you think I would be interested in her? But honestly, several months back, when Yonnie first started, Otis came to me and told me he thought he was going to be fired because Yonnie was going to say he was sexually harassing her. And I always thought he was telling me this as a pre-emptive move so that if it came out that she would press the charges against him, that I would already know, and Otis would have already told me that there was no truth to what she said. He in fact did say that there was no truth to that, and that that is why she was being moved from the Main Emory, because she had falsely accused too many people of that. (I found out later that she had actually faked sickness and gone to the ER too many times---manipulating her way out of work).
We sat there for awhile and I was burning with anger but not able to express or show it more than I did, because he is NOT MY MAN, and I cannot be jealous or possessive of what is not mine to begin with. He said,man,there about seven girls up here who would like to do me right now. One of them you talk to everyday. And I'm like, Who, who is that? I think he thought better of telling me the truth He said. she's bi and has brown hair and brown eyes, andshe works in the cafeteria. I'm like, I never go tothe cafeteria, so I don't know who you're talking about. But looking back, I think he just decided not to tell me,in case I pulled an Amber and nutted up on him, caused a scene,and got us both fired by going ghetto and pulling an Amber, which I believe I have defined before---and it's got nothing to do with being ghetto---and everything to do with being cheated on and betrayed by the man who said he would love and honor you and not share his body with anyone else, til death do you part. I should have said, SHOULD have said, why don't you then, in fact I did say that, and he said, I don't want to----I don't know why, I just don't want to. TO THAT, I should have said, what do you mean, you don't know why you don't want to? Because motha fucka, you're with ME, you're with AMBER, how many other pussies do you need to fuck. And I reallize he's kinda frustrated because he can't have sex with Amber for six weeks. I said, why don't you let her give you some head, ? He said, NAW man, I need sex. SEx. Of course, I know my pussy isn't tight enough for him anyway, but last week I was so paranoid that we were gonna be busted, or had been busted and I was gonna be fired from this Job that I have held for ten years, and desperately need, that I vowed that I would never have sex up here again. And that pretty much leaves us screwed for screwing , cuz I'm not paying for sex, and he's got no money for sex. The whole situation- the whole situation, so fucked up. So wrong.
ANd then I spent the rest of the weekend and through today, Tuesday, thinking about that conversation, obsessing over that conversation, obsessing over who that person was "WHo I talk to everyday", and I want to kill that bitch, and I don't want to know who dat bitch is, because I would hate that bitch to my very core. And it isn't her I should be hating, but HIM. HIM> I come to the conclusion once again, that there aren't very many good men out there. Turning into a man-hater big time. BIg time. Big time.
BUt what did I do. Calmed down. Swallowed the bitter pain in my heart, the jealous worm that reared it's head when I went by and saw him and Yonnie standing in the hallway, about three feet apart, talking. I know he has conversations like this all up and down the hospital, because it is true, women are attracted to this guy, and flock to him like bees to bright flowers. He just has something, someone put a spell on him when he was born. So he said he would wait for me that morning, so I clocked out early to not hold him up, then couldn't find him. Paced around looking for him, finally found him down the hallway, talking to ANOTHER woman, who was I believe asking him to call her by her first name, or something. She was tall and had a light green scrub h at and I don't know who dat bitch was but when I see her I'm gonna shoot poison arrow dagger thoughts at her and hope to kill that bitch cunt whore, too. I just turned around and walked aruond the corner and he caught up with me and I didn't say anything. Just talked like everything was normal. I asked him what he wanted to do, if he just wanted to go home. I think he had at first thought about going to get some shorts like I said I wanted to do with him, but he realized it was too early on Saturday so he said, yeah. BUt then I said, well what about the gas for your van, to see if it was only just out of gas, and he said, okay. So he threw back the passenger seatt and fell asleep, as always, and me, just watching him sleep---he is so beautiful when he sleeps, and tried to drive quietly and not hit any b umps. It was my goal to get all the way to Wal-Mart and maybe into the store without him waking up, I wanted him to get some sleep, he was so tired. I pretty much got there with that goal, but he did wake up once we got there. I asked him he just wanted me to get the gas can and he said yeah, and he said, get me something good. I think he meant some more Blue MOon, if it was anything else, I didn't know. Couldn't read his mind. And all I ever want to do is be seen with him, pretend that he is mine, show the world that I am with this handsome young black man, and that he is mine, in this pretend world. BUt I do not even get this---he can't even be bothered to get out and ocme into the store with me---and Ijust want him to rest and be happy, but I wish he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I got the stuff and came back out, went to the Shell station and bought five gallons of gas, pumped into the container, went through Bojangles, got us some food. Don't think he was hungry because he had just finished his fish sandwich that I had bought him th enight before, but if it was free fo od he was taking it. Got him to East Point and to Farris Street. He got out and took the beer and the gas and set off towards his house. And he never said thank you. Never even looked back.
On Saturday night Yonnie told me she had gone on a date. What is it with these people and DATES? I said with who? She said, Big MIke. She said he took her to Waffle House and she ate asmuch as she could eat because it was free, andshe didn't care. She wasn't paying. Yonnie, by the way, is married, not that I have anything to say about that---but the MO seemed sadly familiar to me----if someone is gonna buy something for you, GREAT! Take it while you can, and as much of it as possible while you're at it. I don't understand why anyone would be attracted to Yonnie. She is fat---with all of her weight in her gut. She wears glasses and she smokes like a fish and so she exudes cigarette fumes, they like come out of her pores. I mean, Otis smokes, but he doesn't just reek of cigaretteslike she does. She is really hard core. And she coughs and hacks like lung cancer personified.
So then, in lonely agony for the rest of the weekend. Joe off at volleyball tournament til Sunday night. I dug up my flower beds and went to HOme Depot and Walmart and TArget and walked,and allthe non-stop movement in the world couldn't suck the restless out of me, couldn't stop the apocalypse going onin my heart andmy soul and my mind. Knowing,knowing, that I need to end this, but not knowing how, or who should do it, or when. And begging God for mercy, peace, forgiveness, direction, clarity, conviction---and starting it all over again and again in my mind==my God, the agony, I can't tell you. The pain,the pain, of loving someone who tells you "I love you" but fails to demonstratethat love. So then you don't know if it wasreal, if he meant it, whatgame he's playing, if he's just a simple-minded man, with nodepth,and if he says it he means it, but that's all you're gonnaget. The pain of not understanding really, what he means whenhe says "I luh you." ANd finally, finally I concede, and I say, God, just take it. I put it in your hands. Because I don'tknow what to do anymore. You didn't quite see me to this---I went into this by myself, but I know you're gonna see me through it. Because in the end,that's what this life is all aobut---it's about coming to God, again and again and again, however many times it takes for a person to finally get it---that without God, we're shit. Without God, and taking our directions from God---and acknowledging that he is KING< he is KING, we're screwed. Destined to live in the hell we create for ourselves here on earth, and maybe, then in the next life too. I begin to realize that hte Bible is truth. Because it is true, everything you need to live a life of inner peace and outward happiness, it's all right there int he Bible. He tells you how to be happy. Don't cheat on your spouse---cheating only brings a terrible hell to your soul which you deserve. DOn't covet your neighbors goods, it just hatches a worm in your soul that eats it up---don't murder, you end up jail. I mean, truly, it's all there. So even today, I agonize, but I say to God, here it is Lord, I gotta problem, and it's yours now. I knowhe'll take it, and he's working on my behalf to help me fix this bitch of a situation. It's not gonna end how I want it to end, Otis is never gonna love me like I want to be loved. It's another sham of a situation---created by me in my own little mind.
Friday night I don't know why I got so pissed but I shorted out. We were in room 15---he was cleaning it. I was listening to him---he has falled in love with a song called "motivation" and he didn't know who was the lead female singer, only that it was with L'il Wayne. So I dutifully googled it and up comes Kelly Rowland. I printed off the lyrics for him and I was sorta sitting there waiting for him to come back-===he had gone out. I don't really think it was that long that he was gone, but I guess it was long enough for me to either wonder about it or get bored, so I exited the room and started walking towards the front desk,and there he was, leaning against the wall in the case cart corridor with Yonnie leaning also on the wall and they were facing each other, and talking kind of seriously. It looked almost more intimate than he and I talk. It just pissed me off so fucking bad I don't know why! I just flipped him the bird as I walked by and he immediately became alarmed or worried (what, maybe, my MEAL TICKET is pissed)? and he said something, maybe about the lyrics, or maybe I said something about the lyrics. and he said, Where are you going and I said, to drink my fucking shake, and like I said, something went down about the lyrics and I said, you want your lyrics, here's your fuckinglyrics, and I threw them over my shoulder and onto the floor. He was kind of walking fast to catchup with me. We sat down at the front desk. I guess the pissed was all over my face. I can't keep it off. He must have felt guilty, there must have been something to feel guilty about, the way he came after me so fast, and the way they were standing. It just goddam set me off so quick. I don't like that, that jealousy--he said. It knd of reminded me of, of, Amber . . . Well guess what mothafucka, me and Amber are probably both getting screwed over by you and I get it, I get her, and what the fuck. He said, I was standing there telling her you were going to have my baby. I'm like what? I don't believe that. You want me to ask her, he said? No. No. I said. What did she say. He said, She said, How. How could that happen. Like maybe she thinks I'm too old to have any---that fat, dumb bitch (though I kind of likeYonnie). Now I'm wondering if she was tellinghim that she thought she was pregnant, )I have given her two pregnancy tests so far --both negative) What if she was telling him the kid mightbe his!? He said, you think I would be interested in her? But honestly, several months back, when Yonnie first started, Otis came to me and told me he thought he was going to be fired because Yonnie was going to say he was sexually harassing her. And I always thought he was telling me this as a pre-emptive move so that if it came out that she would press the charges against him, that I would already know, and Otis would have already told me that there was no truth to what she said. He in fact did say that there was no truth to that, and that that is why she was being moved from the Main Emory, because she had falsely accused too many people of that. (I found out later that she had actually faked sickness and gone to the ER too many times---manipulating her way out of work).
We sat there for awhile and I was burning with anger but not able to express or show it more than I did, because he is NOT MY MAN, and I cannot be jealous or possessive of what is not mine to begin with. He said,man,there about seven girls up here who would like to do me right now. One of them you talk to everyday. And I'm like, Who, who is that? I think he thought better of telling me the truth He said. she's bi and has brown hair and brown eyes, andshe works in the cafeteria. I'm like, I never go tothe cafeteria, so I don't know who you're talking about. But looking back, I think he just decided not to tell me,in case I pulled an Amber and nutted up on him, caused a scene,and got us both fired by going ghetto and pulling an Amber, which I believe I have defined before---and it's got nothing to do with being ghetto---and everything to do with being cheated on and betrayed by the man who said he would love and honor you and not share his body with anyone else, til death do you part. I should have said, SHOULD have said, why don't you then, in fact I did say that, and he said, I don't want to----I don't know why, I just don't want to. TO THAT, I should have said, what do you mean, you don't know why you don't want to? Because motha fucka, you're with ME, you're with AMBER, how many other pussies do you need to fuck. And I reallize he's kinda frustrated because he can't have sex with Amber for six weeks. I said, why don't you let her give you some head, ? He said, NAW man, I need sex. SEx. Of course, I know my pussy isn't tight enough for him anyway, but last week I was so paranoid that we were gonna be busted, or had been busted and I was gonna be fired from this Job that I have held for ten years, and desperately need, that I vowed that I would never have sex up here again. And that pretty much leaves us screwed for screwing , cuz I'm not paying for sex, and he's got no money for sex. The whole situation- the whole situation, so fucked up. So wrong.
ANd then I spent the rest of the weekend and through today, Tuesday, thinking about that conversation, obsessing over that conversation, obsessing over who that person was "WHo I talk to everyday", and I want to kill that bitch, and I don't want to know who dat bitch is, because I would hate that bitch to my very core. And it isn't her I should be hating, but HIM. HIM> I come to the conclusion once again, that there aren't very many good men out there. Turning into a man-hater big time. BIg time. Big time.
BUt what did I do. Calmed down. Swallowed the bitter pain in my heart, the jealous worm that reared it's head when I went by and saw him and Yonnie standing in the hallway, about three feet apart, talking. I know he has conversations like this all up and down the hospital, because it is true, women are attracted to this guy, and flock to him like bees to bright flowers. He just has something, someone put a spell on him when he was born. So he said he would wait for me that morning, so I clocked out early to not hold him up, then couldn't find him. Paced around looking for him, finally found him down the hallway, talking to ANOTHER woman, who was I believe asking him to call her by her first name, or something. She was tall and had a light green scrub h at and I don't know who dat bitch was but when I see her I'm gonna shoot poison arrow dagger thoughts at her and hope to kill that bitch cunt whore, too. I just turned around and walked aruond the corner and he caught up with me and I didn't say anything. Just talked like everything was normal. I asked him what he wanted to do, if he just wanted to go home. I think he had at first thought about going to get some shorts like I said I wanted to do with him, but he realized it was too early on Saturday so he said, yeah. BUt then I said, well what about the gas for your van, to see if it was only just out of gas, and he said, okay. So he threw back the passenger seatt and fell asleep, as always, and me, just watching him sleep---he is so beautiful when he sleeps, and tried to drive quietly and not hit any b umps. It was my goal to get all the way to Wal-Mart and maybe into the store without him waking up, I wanted him to get some sleep, he was so tired. I pretty much got there with that goal, but he did wake up once we got there. I asked him he just wanted me to get the gas can and he said yeah, and he said, get me something good. I think he meant some more Blue MOon, if it was anything else, I didn't know. Couldn't read his mind. And all I ever want to do is be seen with him, pretend that he is mine, show the world that I am with this handsome young black man, and that he is mine, in this pretend world. BUt I do not even get this---he can't even be bothered to get out and ocme into the store with me---and Ijust want him to rest and be happy, but I wish he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I got the stuff and came back out, went to the Shell station and bought five gallons of gas, pumped into the container, went through Bojangles, got us some food. Don't think he was hungry because he had just finished his fish sandwich that I had bought him th enight before, but if it was free fo od he was taking it. Got him to East Point and to Farris Street. He got out and took the beer and the gas and set off towards his house. And he never said thank you. Never even looked back.
On Saturday night Yonnie told me she had gone on a date. What is it with these people and DATES? I said with who? She said, Big MIke. She said he took her to Waffle House and she ate asmuch as she could eat because it was free, andshe didn't care. She wasn't paying. Yonnie, by the way, is married, not that I have anything to say about that---but the MO seemed sadly familiar to me----if someone is gonna buy something for you, GREAT! Take it while you can, and as much of it as possible while you're at it. I don't understand why anyone would be attracted to Yonnie. She is fat---with all of her weight in her gut. She wears glasses and she smokes like a fish and so she exudes cigarette fumes, they like come out of her pores. I mean, Otis smokes, but he doesn't just reek of cigaretteslike she does. She is really hard core. And she coughs and hacks like lung cancer personified.
So then, in lonely agony for the rest of the weekend. Joe off at volleyball tournament til Sunday night. I dug up my flower beds and went to HOme Depot and Walmart and TArget and walked,and allthe non-stop movement in the world couldn't suck the restless out of me, couldn't stop the apocalypse going onin my heart andmy soul and my mind. Knowing,knowing, that I need to end this, but not knowing how, or who should do it, or when. And begging God for mercy, peace, forgiveness, direction, clarity, conviction---and starting it all over again and again in my mind==my God, the agony, I can't tell you. The pain,the pain, of loving someone who tells you "I love you" but fails to demonstratethat love. So then you don't know if it wasreal, if he meant it, whatgame he's playing, if he's just a simple-minded man, with nodepth,and if he says it he means it, but that's all you're gonnaget. The pain of not understanding really, what he means whenhe says "I luh you." ANd finally, finally I concede, and I say, God, just take it. I put it in your hands. Because I don'tknow what to do anymore. You didn't quite see me to this---I went into this by myself, but I know you're gonna see me through it. Because in the end,that's what this life is all aobut---it's about coming to God, again and again and again, however many times it takes for a person to finally get it---that without God, we're shit. Without God, and taking our directions from God---and acknowledging that he is KING< he is KING, we're screwed. Destined to live in the hell we create for ourselves here on earth, and maybe, then in the next life too. I begin to realize that hte Bible is truth. Because it is true, everything you need to live a life of inner peace and outward happiness, it's all right there int he Bible. He tells you how to be happy. Don't cheat on your spouse---cheating only brings a terrible hell to your soul which you deserve. DOn't covet your neighbors goods, it just hatches a worm in your soul that eats it up---don't murder, you end up jail. I mean, truly, it's all there. So even today, I agonize, but I say to God, here it is Lord, I gotta problem, and it's yours now. I knowhe'll take it, and he's working on my behalf to help me fix this bitch of a situation. It's not gonna end how I want it to end, Otis is never gonna love me like I want to be loved. It's another sham of a situation---created by me in my own little mind.
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