Oh humanity.  Oh pain.  Oh love.  Sitting here at six in the morning with my son.  Couldn't sleep, so I got up at five thirty.  He got home at six.  I don't know where I went wrong with Otis.  Why he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did.  I don't know what I did----I still love him and I still want him.  But somewhere between last friday and last saturday he had an epiphany and he said we need to re-evaluate this relationship.  And he said he would call me sometime next week but so far he has not called at night and I wasnt going to pick it up anyway, but I at least wanted to know he called, and cared. Why Oh Lord, did you put me through this.?  I met this guy for a reason.  yes I lost weight.  Yes I feel better, but I'm not sure any of it is worth this pain, this pain of knowing love, feeling love, being inn love, and losing it all, losing it all, and it wasn't much anyway, but still, it was like a drug, and it was powerful, and made me feel like a queen, made me feel on top of the world, like a million dollars, hopeful, happy, young, ...
Tom and I are watching World War II in color, and the opening montage of people in pain, people struggling, dying, ---all the folly of humanity, and somewhere in there, broken hearts everywhere,

Sometime sthis life is more than i can bear, because I don't understand it.  I don't understand this life, Lord.  What are you doing with us down here?  Are you laughing?  Crying?  Shaking your head?  I know I chose this Lord, so I deserve it, all the pain.  Lord, I pray that I may never be so stupid again....Let me try and love Joe again.  Let me try.  ANd forgive me Lord when I say it, sometimes I'm just ready to come home, too.  A life down here without the kind of love I just felt seems to be a sad, empty colorless life---void of everything --
I think about Otis, what is happening at home, in that busy house, I'm kind of obsessed with everyone, with that young, nubile Jordyn, her friends, what he sees, who he's lusting over.  what's going on, what he is eating, whois he hitting on at work.  Is there someone else at work. Man, I'm hurting so bad, I can't say.  I hurt so bad I can't even cry.  If Icry Imight die.  The pain is unbelievable.