when you know . . .

So yesterday on Amber's profile on FB she writes this pseudo poem, which was actually ---very good for what if managed to convey in very simple direct terms, about how blessed she was with her seven children, how happy she was with her man, who wasn't perfect, but perfect for her, how happy they would be until they were old and gray, and how she would never cheat on her perfect man.  And I wanted to puke because it made me sick to read it---sick to know that he does make her happy, in fact works hard to make her happy, that he is HER man, and if her is her man, than I am in fact, taking care of someone else's man and getting NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, in return for my money.  I get better hugs from Troy and Ralph inthe hallway.  I get no love.  No affection.  Not even a good hug.  Not a romantic text.  Nothing. 
I'm not picking up that phone tonight.  Or tomorrow night.  Or the next night.  I'll seehim Friday.  I'll give him his shit and I'll tell him---this is the last shit I'm giving you.  you are her man,.  She can take care of you.  Because why should I take care of you when you are hers, and she gets everything.  And I get nothing--not even a good kiss.  I get a call, and hints, lots of hints, about what you need, and what you lack, and yet, you always have forty dollars in your pocket and enough money for lottery tickets and the occasional kush.  No.   What a goddam fool I have been.  Lord, what a world this is where there is no real love anymore.  Everyone using everyone else to see what they can get.  To see how much they can get.  Man.  I have been so manipulated. 

You know what makes me sick?  Amber got on there and said she has been blessed with seven children---but what she didn't post was that she sucked about eight of them out of her---hers and his---she used abortion like it was birth control, and it made me sick to know that she has had five or six abortions because why?  Because apparently these people don't like the pill, for some damn reason.  She gave her daughters bags of condoms, but what the hell---give them the damn pill.  Now I see why it is that people oppose abortion---because, because, for a lot of people, it is birth control.  And to me, it is, simply, murder.  it really is.  Think of the nae naes and niyahs and Nathans that she got rid of---her blessings that she randomly or not so randomly chose to eliminate.  Why did she choose to keep nae nae and Niyah, and nathan, ?  Because he was about to leave?  Sometimes I think that is why she did have them, because her man, her food for her soul, was fixing to up and leave her ass.  And she knew, she knew, that the kids are what keeps him in. 

So here I am, a goddam pawn in this fucking game these people got going, and still, still, after all these years, nothing in it, for me.