Death be not proud

I only give this this title because I swear, if I had any guts, and it wasn't Jordan's birthday on the 23rd, I'd seriously think about killing myself. I have created for myself such a hole---such a pit of pain, that I don't know  how I'm gonna crawl out of it.  This thing with Otis---not good.  Not good at all.  Somehow managed to get $3200 back in taxes and it's all gone, and don't know where it all went.  I know I didn't spend it all on this man.  but I spent some of it on him.  My house is fucked up.  Imean, my HOUSE,----the people in it----everyone living with suspicions about me, their mother, their wife.  Who is this woman, who listens to rap and hip/hop.  Who is THIS WOMAN?