Beginning to realize the futility of the situation---the foolishness of myself. The pain I go through, the agony. This morning I woke up and I asked myself something: "What did I think about before Otis came into my life." I mean, because he is the ONLY thing I can think about. He is on my mind all night long---when I roll around in my restless, tortured sleep, he drifts in and out of my thoughts, when I awake fully, he's there. All day long I think about him---where he's at, what he's doing. ANd I would lay my last dollar on the fact that this is not a mutual situation. THe saddest fact I ever had to face. So, truly, what did I think about before him? I mean, I can't think of anything meaningful at all that occupied my mind. Must've been something. Food? What kind of flowers I was going to plant? What parts of the house might I clean, albeit, half-assed? I mean, seriously, even now, I can't think of anything to replace him with, in my thoughts. The only thing I could think of is what sorts of things might take his place in my brain function. Pitiful. \
Friday night I don't know why I got so pissed but I shorted out. We were in room 15---he was cleaning it. I was listening to him---he has falled in love with a song called "motivation" and he didn't know who was the lead female singer, only that it was with L'il Wayne. So I dutifully googled it and up comes Kelly Rowland. I printed off the lyrics for him and I was sorta sitting there waiting for him to come back-===he had gone out. I don't really think it was that long that he was gone, but I guess it was long enough for me to either wonder about it or get bored, so I exited the room and started walking towards the front desk,and there he was, leaning against the wall in the case cart corridor with Yonnie leaning also on the wall and they were facing each other, and talking kind of seriously. It looked almost more intimate than he and I talk. It just pissed me off so fucking bad I don't know why! I just flipped him the bird as I walked by and he immediately became alarmed or worried (what, maybe, my MEAL TICKET is pissed)? and he said something, maybe about the lyrics, or maybe I said something about the lyrics. and he said, Where are you going and I said, to drink my fucking shake, and like I said, something went down about the lyrics and I said, you want your lyrics, here's your fuckinglyrics, and I threw them over my shoulder and onto the floor. He was kind of walking fast to catchup with me. We sat down at the front desk. I guess the pissed was all over my face. I can't keep it off. He must have felt guilty, there must have been something to feel guilty about, the way he came after me so fast, and the way they were standing. It just goddam set me off so quick. I don't like that, that jealousy--he said. It knd of reminded me of, of, Amber . . . Well guess what mothafucka, me and Amber are probably both getting screwed over by you and I get it, I get her, and what the fuck. He said, I was standing there telling her you were going to have my baby. I'm like what? I don't believe that. You want me to ask her, he said? No. No. I said. What did she say. He said, She said, How. How could that happen. Like maybe she thinks I'm too old to have any---that fat, dumb bitch (though I kind of likeYonnie). Now I'm wondering if she was tellinghim that she thought she was pregnant, )I have given her two pregnancy tests so far --both negative) What if she was telling him the kid mightbe his!? He said, you think I would be interested in her? But honestly, several months back, when Yonnie first started, Otis came to me and told me he thought he was going to be fired because Yonnie was going to say he was sexually harassing her. And I always thought he was telling me this as a pre-emptive move so that if it came out that she would press the charges against him, that I would already know, and Otis would have already told me that there was no truth to what she said. He in fact did say that there was no truth to that, and that that is why she was being moved from the Main Emory, because she had falsely accused too many people of that. (I found out later that she had actually faked sickness and gone to the ER too many times---manipulating her way out of work).
We sat there for awhile and I was burning with anger but not able to express or show it more than I did, because he is NOT MY MAN, and I cannot be jealous or possessive of what is not mine to begin with. He said,man,there about seven girls up here who would like to do me right now. One of them you talk to everyday. And I'm like, Who, who is that? I think he thought better of telling me the truth He said. she's bi and has brown hair and brown eyes, andshe works in the cafeteria. I'm like, I never go tothe cafeteria, so I don't know who you're talking about. But looking back, I think he just decided not to tell me,in case I pulled an Amber and nutted up on him, caused a scene,and got us both fired by going ghetto and pulling an Amber, which I believe I have defined before---and it's got nothing to do with being ghetto---and everything to do with being cheated on and betrayed by the man who said he would love and honor you and not share his body with anyone else, til death do you part. I should have said, SHOULD have said, why don't you then, in fact I did say that, and he said, I don't want to----I don't know why, I just don't want to. TO THAT, I should have said, what do you mean, you don't know why you don't want to? Because motha fucka, you're with ME, you're with AMBER, how many other pussies do you need to fuck. And I reallize he's kinda frustrated because he can't have sex with Amber for six weeks. I said, why don't you let her give you some head, ? He said, NAW man, I need sex. SEx. Of course, I know my pussy isn't tight enough for him anyway, but last week I was so paranoid that we were gonna be busted, or had been busted and I was gonna be fired from this Job that I have held for ten years, and desperately need, that I vowed that I would never have sex up here again. And that pretty much leaves us screwed for screwing , cuz I'm not paying for sex, and he's got no money for sex. The whole situation- the whole situation, so fucked up. So wrong.
ANd then I spent the rest of the weekend and through today, Tuesday, thinking about that conversation, obsessing over that conversation, obsessing over who that person was "WHo I talk to everyday", and I want to kill that bitch, and I don't want to know who dat bitch is, because I would hate that bitch to my very core. And it isn't her I should be hating, but HIM. HIM> I come to the conclusion once again, that there aren't very many good men out there. Turning into a man-hater big time. BIg time. Big time.
BUt what did I do. Calmed down. Swallowed the bitter pain in my heart, the jealous worm that reared it's head when I went by and saw him and Yonnie standing in the hallway, about three feet apart, talking. I know he has conversations like this all up and down the hospital, because it is true, women are attracted to this guy, and flock to him like bees to bright flowers. He just has something, someone put a spell on him when he was born. So he said he would wait for me that morning, so I clocked out early to not hold him up, then couldn't find him. Paced around looking for him, finally found him down the hallway, talking to ANOTHER woman, who was I believe asking him to call her by her first name, or something. She was tall and had a light green scrub h at and I don't know who dat bitch was but when I see her I'm gonna shoot poison arrow dagger thoughts at her and hope to kill that bitch cunt whore, too. I just turned around and walked aruond the corner and he caught up with me and I didn't say anything. Just talked like everything was normal. I asked him what he wanted to do, if he just wanted to go home. I think he had at first thought about going to get some shorts like I said I wanted to do with him, but he realized it was too early on Saturday so he said, yeah. BUt then I said, well what about the gas for your van, to see if it was only just out of gas, and he said, okay. So he threw back the passenger seatt and fell asleep, as always, and me, just watching him sleep---he is so beautiful when he sleeps, and tried to drive quietly and not hit any b umps. It was my goal to get all the way to Wal-Mart and maybe into the store without him waking up, I wanted him to get some sleep, he was so tired. I pretty much got there with that goal, but he did wake up once we got there. I asked him he just wanted me to get the gas can and he said yeah, and he said, get me something good. I think he meant some more Blue MOon, if it was anything else, I didn't know. Couldn't read his mind. And all I ever want to do is be seen with him, pretend that he is mine, show the world that I am with this handsome young black man, and that he is mine, in this pretend world. BUt I do not even get this---he can't even be bothered to get out and ocme into the store with me---and Ijust want him to rest and be happy, but I wish he wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I got the stuff and came back out, went to the Shell station and bought five gallons of gas, pumped into the container, went through Bojangles, got us some food. Don't think he was hungry because he had just finished his fish sandwich that I had bought him th enight before, but if it was free fo od he was taking it. Got him to East Point and to Farris Street. He got out and took the beer and the gas and set off towards his house. And he never said thank you. Never even looked back.
On Saturday night Yonnie told me she had gone on a date. What is it with these people and DATES? I said with who? She said, Big MIke. She said he took her to Waffle House and she ate asmuch as she could eat because it was free, andshe didn't care. She wasn't paying. Yonnie, by the way, is married, not that I have anything to say about that---but the MO seemed sadly familiar to me----if someone is gonna buy something for you, GREAT! Take it while you can, and as much of it as possible while you're at it. I don't understand why anyone would be attracted to Yonnie. She is fat---with all of her weight in her gut. She wears glasses and she smokes like a fish and so she exudes cigarette fumes, they like come out of her pores. I mean, Otis smokes, but he doesn't just reek of cigaretteslike she does. She is really hard core. And she coughs and hacks like lung cancer personified.
So then, in lonely agony for the rest of the weekend. Joe off at volleyball tournament til Sunday night. I dug up my flower beds and went to HOme Depot and Walmart and TArget and walked,and allthe non-stop movement in the world couldn't suck the restless out of me, couldn't stop the apocalypse going onin my heart andmy soul and my mind. Knowing,knowing, that I need to end this, but not knowing how, or who should do it, or when. And begging God for mercy, peace, forgiveness, direction, clarity, conviction---and starting it all over again and again in my mind==my God, the agony, I can't tell you. The pain,the pain, of loving someone who tells you "I love you" but fails to demonstratethat love. So then you don't know if it wasreal, if he meant it, whatgame he's playing, if he's just a simple-minded man, with nodepth,and if he says it he means it, but that's all you're gonnaget. The pain of not understanding really, what he means whenhe says "I luh you." ANd finally, finally I concede, and I say, God, just take it. I put it in your hands. Because I don'tknow what to do anymore. You didn't quite see me to this---I went into this by myself, but I know you're gonna see me through it. Because in the end,that's what this life is all aobut---it's about coming to God, again and again and again, however many times it takes for a person to finally get it---that without God, we're shit. Without God, and taking our directions from God---and acknowledging that he is KING< he is KING, we're screwed. Destined to live in the hell we create for ourselves here on earth, and maybe, then in the next life too. I begin to realize that hte Bible is truth. Because it is true, everything you need to live a life of inner peace and outward happiness, it's all right there int he Bible. He tells you how to be happy. Don't cheat on your spouse---cheating only brings a terrible hell to your soul which you deserve. DOn't covet your neighbors goods, it just hatches a worm in your soul that eats it up---don't murder, you end up jail. I mean, truly, it's all there. So even today, I agonize, but I say to God, here it is Lord, I gotta problem, and it's yours now. I knowhe'll take it, and he's working on my behalf to help me fix this bitch of a situation. It's not gonna end how I want it to end, Otis is never gonna love me like I want to be loved. It's another sham of a situation---created by me in my own little mind.
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