*In all of these blogs I have been pouring out my anger on Otis, with Otis, at Otis, but I never gave the aftermath of any of the situations---and I have come to the conclusion that Otis is just a simple man, he just wants to live, to live and be happy, thats what he said to me today, after we both mutually agreed to give each other up---to be friends. He did what I prayed God that he would do---he said it, he said it----I think we need to reevaluate this relationship, with that wry sad smile===not wanting to hurt me. He never want to hurt anybody---I so get it. He is so fucking good to Amber. It just seems that God does put together with wisdom. He put me with Joe because he knew I would look beyond his behavior, and try tounderstand it, even when I don't like it---I would and do understnd it , So Otis is with Amber, and it fucking pisses me off---cuz he is so sweet. and he hooked himself up by choice to a she-devil. He said, she is so gotdamn greedy. If you pour yourself a glass of Koolaid and take it to her to give her a sip, she'll drink the whole gotdamn thing. Butit's in he, it's in her I tell you. She'd try to take your puss all to herself too. I know it. But her greediness, her anger, it's in her, from her mom and her dad. It pisses her off when I tell her that, but then she acknowledges---it's true. So it is with Joe, his behavior is IN him, learned, formed as reaction to the environment, and I get it, and Otis gets it. And here we are. ANd he tried to explain, how he wished she wasnt like that and Joe wasn't like he was and then he and I could go out and just enjoy being together (here I didn't know what he meant, did he mean go out as friends? because all that hurt me so bad, cuz I just don't want to be rfriends. I wanted him to love me like Amber, like a woman. I wanted him to want my pussy bad, to crave it, to have to have itl And I don't think he did, I remember how whenhe first starting htting on me, how he said he would masturbate while thinking about me, and waatch his skeet shoot up andhit the bathroom door. I don't know how much of that was bullshit, but I feel so fucking inadequate that i couldn't measure up to the fantasy. I wonder if he got to thinking about the blood and how he couldn't take any more of that.
Oh my god how depressed I feel. Here in my 52 year old white body---with a pussy that can barely respond anymore, no more wetness, no more rain coming from my body. HOw I have never ridden, how I can barely suck dick, how I suck basically at lovemaking, or sex, or fucking, or whatever. Troy---talking to Troy again. I'm telling you Troy is 48 years old and he says he could still make love all night with a seven minute breather in betwwen. He says, very sadly, Joanne is wasting a good dick, man. A good dick. It's such a waste. He told me how he and Kelly used to just fuck everywhere, outside in the dark, leaning against there apartment, behind the car door on the fourth of July while Kelly's sons were sitting on the hood of the car. Fucking like two rabbits. How I envy people who can just fuck for pure pleasure. How envious I am of that. Man, do I ever have thepuritanupbringing. Troy says black women are mean. He says, now a white woman, if there is a problem in the marriage, or a little cheating, a white woman might suggest counseling, but a black woman would just tell youto get the hell onout with your bitch.
SO YESTerday I got home after spending 300 dollars on him and as I drove away after dropping him off at his dads, i got the most awful feeling, the most helpless, horrible guilty feeling. I knew it was all wrong, --and then, when I got home, I tried to lay down. and my daughter calledand then she came, and my whole family was stting in the family room wqtching tv. Joe made us all gyros and served us all, and I could barely live with myself, look at my daughter, look aat my husband, theman i have been married to for almost 35 years. and I could hardly live with myself, myguilt, my foolishness, and I was convict4ed, and I said to myself, Ihave to end this tonight. I do. I was never more convicted
And it was so weird because at the very time I ws g oing through what I was feeling, Otis was going through the same thing. I don't know when it started for him, yestedyY. i blame that fucking waffle house! wE walked in and sat down. Immediately he seemed totally out of sync. The waitress laid down our silverware, and I saw what I thought was speck of food on his fork, ---it turned out that htere was some dried grits on it. and i didn't see when he handed the waitress the fork---was I looking at the menuj---so out of character for him to do that===she came over with a hot glass of water and sunk all of our silverware in the cup of hot water!. I said, wht is this? She said, I'm sterilizing your silverware. I was alittle surprised. In the meantime, he just became more andmore agitated with the noise, the bustle, the dirt, the eightor nine waitresses and cooks behind the counter, all talking and flexing and he didn't like ours either, theyt were all black, by the way. He order pork chops and eggs, and he didn't like the pork chop. He liked the hash browns and he forked them and his eggs down, and he couldnt get out of there faster. I had never seen him like this, almost what, pouty? cranky? not satisfied. not greatful or happy with this breakfast. I was disappointed. I wanted him to just be happy to be getting a free breakfast and to be with me. but he could not stand the environment---he never wanted to go to another waffle house, ever. but in the meantime, while we were waiting, we talked. He said, I saw Becki. I said, becki who? he said, becki. You know becki! Your sisiter Becke. I'm like what? how? On faybook-- she showed me. Who? you mean Amber. you mean your wife? He nodded. i didn't really want to know what he thoght of Becki, or whatever pictures he saw, or why "Amber showed him those pictures. and were they under my profile, or did she do a little stalking and go under beckis?
I just looked at him. We just looked int each other's eyes. He has the best eyes. The most beautiful eyes--yiou could get lost in his beautiful face I do. He justlooked at me so long and deep and I swear he was almmmost going to cry. Is there somoething you need to tell me, I said. I told her I was deeply in love with you. He said it with such sincerity that I almost believed it. Why would he say such a thing to me. I knowhe would never say that to her---but why would he say that to me. I am, I am, deeplly in love with you, he said. You did not say that to her, did you? I said. Imean, you did't, did you. He just looked atme, again, I thought he was going to cry---I got the feeling thne, that things had changed for him, something, somethingwas wrong, he was feeling some kind of way that wsn't right anymore, ---like me. During all that time, Amber kept calling him and he refused to answer. I said why don't you answer her, man. that is driving her crazy. All you have to do is pick it up----she doesn't understnd why you're not picking up It doesn't look good. what is she supposed to think. Yet he refused to pick itup, or even text her. I'm not sure why. Did he feel guilty that he was with me and he couldn't pick itup and lie straight to her. He does have a problem, if you could cll it that with lying to her---I can't lie to my best friend he once told me. The irony, ---and how jealous I was to hear that too. The only other thing I could thik of was that it was paybck to her, because she did't pick up when he called her many times too. and it drove him wild. What sort of fucking game did these two have going The only thing is though, that i tended to believe that she was up to no good when she did't answer. She told him things like the phone battery was dead, the connection couldn[t be made, she had it on vibrate, etc. etc. But I didnt believe any of that, because I believe hat woman always stayed connected through her cell phone---and she couldn't be reached only 8if she didnt want to be reached.
Well I dropped him off at his da
No comments:
Post a Comment