WEll, sittinghere at work. Dr. Owings doing a thyroidectomy on a big fat black woman. he said to me, cuz I think he is racist, not enough to eat for this one. There ought to be some kind of government program available so this lady can get something to eat---of course all that said matter of fact straight sarcasm---cuz she weighed about 350 pounds. She had a transverse healing abdominal wound that was still a little red and raw, mostly healed but still red and raw at the incision line. I'm just setting the mood in here---we get no music because Dr. Owings can't tolerate music. He is an excellent surgeon. They say he was hell on wheels when he was young.
Jordan is home temporarily---between life phases. We moved her home from Macon and all her stuff is filling up the dining room and the computer room. As if the house wasn't cluttered enough---now I just can't thnk, clean or function---I'll let it all go til we pack her up and take her down to West Palm Beach. Just when I get used to her being home---away she flies again like a little bird. I worry so much about my daughter, about her future happiness. What did she say to me yesterday while we wereeating our Thai chicken chopped salads at Panera. Why is Becki so upset that Brianna is leaving? I said, Because then she has to be all alone with Barry. Jordan was upset. Well Barry isn't very nice to her, she doesn't like Barry that much, ---you don't get it. She says, you and Becki and Rhonda (Rhonda?_--how did she know Rhonda wasn't happy) I don't think you like Dad. I don't likeRhonda encouraging you, I don't like Facebook, you all encourage each other on Facebook! Oh how little that girl knows---she simplifies the situation too much---Hey I said, I try to back Dad up when you and Tom get too rough on him. No. You don't likeDad . Its not very nice.
If I had been thinking quicker I would have explained things better. I wouldhave said, You know, I love Dad. but I don't like him. You see how he treats me. You knowwhy the other day I didn't text him back when he txted me about picking up lunch stuff for tom. ? You know why? Because he texted me a picture of a carton of broken egg shells that fell out of the garbage can when he pulled it out from under the sink. The caption was "GOOD JOB". Now what the fuck? WHo the fuck does that? Was that necessary to do that? Whatkind of unhappy son of a bitch takes the time to send that picture with that caption to his wife, while she is hard at work---in the space of time it took him to text that he could have cleaned that shitup and just gone on with his business, live and let live. It was his damn fault for being in one of his goddam hurries.
That sonof abitch didn't deserve a t ext back from me.. If y ou're gonna treat me like shit,then you get treated like shit. I wanted to tell her, want to tell her---you know what. Why are you blaming me and Becki and Rhonda, esp me and Becki. We're the GOOD GUYS! We are the ones who have sacrificed everything, our happiness, love, peace of mind, to give YOU, our children, a father, some semblance of a family---that's what YOU wanted Jordan. You didn't want us to be divorced. So we didn't get divorced. I did it all for you, Jordan, for you, becaue I think Tom would have understood it, but YOU, you wanted to live an illusion---YOU--we are NOT the bad guys. We do not text our husbands with nasty, mean picture messages, we do NOT give our spouses the silent treatment, make them feel guilty for laughing and enjoying life, yell at them, verbally abuse them, mentally assault them with put downs and harangues---no., We are not the goddam bad guys---good god almighty we fucking gave it all up for you guys---lived in hell for thirty plus years so YOU COULD HAVE A GODDAM FATHER! THATS what I wanted to say to her---and I still might, because if she treats Chrislike that, he isn't gonna likeher. Hemight love her, but he is gonna hateher too. And I can't bear to think of someone hating my daughter--but she is like Joe---she watches him, she loves him, she hates him, and I know she is gonna be just like him. Something IN her, is gonna imitate him, and she can both help and not help it. I worry.
OL called me three times yesterday even tho heknows Jordan is with me. He didn't call me at all last week, but something is up this week. He called me twice yesterday and then once at night and we spoke briefly,and he seemed so up, it was weird. He said, I can't wait til I see you on Friday I have some things to tell you. It freaked me out. BUt they seemed like good things. Maybe he got his drivers license, or ID> Maybe Amber got a job. I don't know. But I am rather freaked. and he said he wou ld maybe stay and see me in the morning,but he has said that to me fifteen times so far nd never stayed. so this morning I knew w0ould be no diffrent, but he called me at 7:15 and I didn't hear the call cuz I had the sound settings messed up. something is up. but don't know what. Not overly concerned. Just curious. Don't care as much as I used to. Hungry. Where is my break relief?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
the cycle continues
Well, not much new on this relationship front. had a hellishly bad weekend a few weeks ago. Amber posted on her wallthat she and Nate had a terrific meal at Two Thumbs Up==a restaurant that i had heard about and wanted to try myself. She had a steak cooked to perfection,and he had the biggest pancakes she had ever seen, according to her post. Well, just the thought of the two of them sitting across from each other. and see, I know how he looks cuz I have sat across from him many times now at IHOP---just tothink of them, him laughing sweetly at something she said, looking sheepish,diving into his food with such pleasure, being with his BOO, her getting to see that fine man across from her, and being able to claim him as hers,well it was all too much for me. And then, to think, to think, that he bought that forher, while it is I who is continuously forking over the cash, or the creditcard, me, gettting nothing, just giving.
I almostwent nuts with jealousy and grief. Rhonda and i texted til my phone battery was practially dead. i was determined to dumphis ass that Friday night, but then, there he was,.. smiling at me ---really, he never has a clue what i am thinking. I eventually did tell him what was botheringme, asked him who paid, He said it was her, from the money Cara gave them for the down payment on the Expedition. He told me they weren't very good anyway, and somehow, that made me feel better, because he loves those blueberry pancakes at IHOP. But still, just the image of them eating together, and then, walking home because they had no car=-==Amber let the Uplander get repoed again. I don't raelly understand the whole situation, but Cara lent Amber two grand to put down on an expedition, and I don't understand why they just didn't get the Uplander out of repo, but somehow their dealer/lender ripped them off bad=-=Nate told me they still owed ten grand on that car and he'd already paid like eight grand, so apparently, they were just going to start anew on an "Expedition, and he was going to pay the car note by himself, and not give her the money anymore.
I decided it wasn't any of my business===none of it is my business, how they handle their affairs. I don't understand why they just did't get the Uplander===someone is probably gonna screw them on that Expedition too.
He and I continue===even after he said we needed to re-evaluate the relationship, we continue, in some ways the same. Insome ways different. There are only so many times that I can be hurt and suffer before my feelings change, and they are changing. For instance, I don't think of him so much anymore===not constantly, not night and day, not the first thing in the am or the last thing at night (well sometimes, the last thing at night). so the obsession is gone. And I really do feel somewhere in side me, also know the truth, that he continues with me in order to use me, to get me to give him money....and he never has to outright ask. He just preys on my kindness. This past weekend was Jasmine's sixteenth birthday===she wanted AirMax. He said he saved a hundred out for that, buthe kept going on and on about that, ===and finally I said, would you like me to help buy those shoes for her. I did after all buy Blesshawn hisbike. I may as well get Jasmine's gift as well. He said, would you? All I have is a hundred to last for thenext two weeks. But of course, he had enough money to buy Extenze for his penis size and pleasure pills (from the gas station!) AND I had to ask what for,? who for? why did he feel he needed penis extender pills. You know what, they did something to him because his dick kept going up and down all by itself on sumday. But here is the kicker, and where things have changed. He doesn't seem to want to go with me anymore anywhere. He just wants me to give him the momey. I so desperately wanted to go out with him Saturday,just to be seen with him, to be with him in his company, but we had two hours to ki8ll before Foot Locker opened and I genuinely think he is trying to avoid pissing Amber off or giving her any suspicions as to his whereabouts-=-=it has been getting too routine lately for him to come home two or three hours late on a Satuday or a Sunday. But anyway, he said he was too tired Saturday to go with me, and to kill two hours berore Foot locker, so I said, just go home. Get some sleep. He said he would call me after he slept, and i was figuring ten o'clock or something, so I went home and laid down, but couldn't do much beyond ten am myself. I knew knew knew he woulodn't callme anyway, yet I contin ued to hope that he wo uld call so that we could go out and buy the shoes together, ===but he didn't call. i took my weary self to Kohls, then to Publoix and got Tom two subs, and then i went home and walked, because I had no where to divert my restless energy, my longing. Then I tried to lay downand sleep at abaout three, but sleepwouldn't come, and I knew I would be so exhausted that night at work.
It turns out that he didn't even lay down to sleep until noon, I guess he made everyone breakfast, ==and he slept til nine pm.
So that night, at work, I just laid downin the break room at nine pm, and sure enough, at about eleven, I hear a tapping on the break room door. I tried to tell him I was tired and I was gonna sleep, and he said, oh, okay, I'll just go on and do my work, but he just cou ldn't stand it, and he hauledme out of there in about twenty minutes. So I spent the whole night with him, following him around, sitting at the front desk, watching him sleep, posting cases===and I never got anymore sleep myself. Hesaid, well, we'll just go on and get the shoes tomorrow morning (m,eaning Sunday{ and I said, I can't, you know i'm going to Macon in the morning to help my daughter move. Well he was in a quandary then===but once again, I don't know how much I'mbeing manipulated or if I am being manipulated, or ifhe is just an innocent, dumb man who didn't plan right. Because he never went out shoe shoppign on Saturday like I thought. So then he ws upset, how was he going to get Jasmine her shoes, she should have them on her birthday etc. etc. SO i caved and told him I would go through publix, get her some cupcakse, because shelikes cupcakes ,and we got her three helium balloons, and I went thrugh and debitedtwice and gave him a hundred dollars, and I told him he better get her some shoes, and not spend that money, and he swore he would. And so Idropped him off, after stopppppping at Krystal for breakfast, and BP for cigarettes, all my idea. And then I dropped him off twoblocks before his house, and he was happily carriying the balloons anda the cupcakes, and my moneyy, and he never looked back. And so I fear that the relationship has truly changed from us doing anything, or rather, nothing at all together, to me just handing over money to him, and watching him go. That's how it's going down=-==is how it's looking to me. And I'mchanging, my feelings are changing. You can't use Lori wiegele forever/// sooner or later,this dumb old fool willcatch on .
I almostwent nuts with jealousy and grief. Rhonda and i texted til my phone battery was practially dead. i was determined to dumphis ass that Friday night, but then, there he was,.. smiling at me ---really, he never has a clue what i am thinking. I eventually did tell him what was botheringme, asked him who paid, He said it was her, from the money Cara gave them for the down payment on the Expedition. He told me they weren't very good anyway, and somehow, that made me feel better, because he loves those blueberry pancakes at IHOP. But still, just the image of them eating together, and then, walking home because they had no car=-==Amber let the Uplander get repoed again. I don't raelly understand the whole situation, but Cara lent Amber two grand to put down on an expedition, and I don't understand why they just didn't get the Uplander out of repo, but somehow their dealer/lender ripped them off bad=-=Nate told me they still owed ten grand on that car and he'd already paid like eight grand, so apparently, they were just going to start anew on an "Expedition, and he was going to pay the car note by himself, and not give her the money anymore.
I decided it wasn't any of my business===none of it is my business, how they handle their affairs. I don't understand why they just did't get the Uplander===someone is probably gonna screw them on that Expedition too.
He and I continue===even after he said we needed to re-evaluate the relationship, we continue, in some ways the same. Insome ways different. There are only so many times that I can be hurt and suffer before my feelings change, and they are changing. For instance, I don't think of him so much anymore===not constantly, not night and day, not the first thing in the am or the last thing at night (well sometimes, the last thing at night). so the obsession is gone. And I really do feel somewhere in side me, also know the truth, that he continues with me in order to use me, to get me to give him money....and he never has to outright ask. He just preys on my kindness. This past weekend was Jasmine's sixteenth birthday===she wanted AirMax. He said he saved a hundred out for that, buthe kept going on and on about that, ===and finally I said, would you like me to help buy those shoes for her. I did after all buy Blesshawn hisbike. I may as well get Jasmine's gift as well. He said, would you? All I have is a hundred to last for thenext two weeks. But of course, he had enough money to buy Extenze for his penis size and pleasure pills (from the gas station!) AND I had to ask what for,? who for? why did he feel he needed penis extender pills. You know what, they did something to him because his dick kept going up and down all by itself on sumday. But here is the kicker, and where things have changed. He doesn't seem to want to go with me anymore anywhere. He just wants me to give him the momey. I so desperately wanted to go out with him Saturday,just to be seen with him, to be with him in his company, but we had two hours to ki8ll before Foot Locker opened and I genuinely think he is trying to avoid pissing Amber off or giving her any suspicions as to his whereabouts-=-=it has been getting too routine lately for him to come home two or three hours late on a Satuday or a Sunday. But anyway, he said he was too tired Saturday to go with me, and to kill two hours berore Foot locker, so I said, just go home. Get some sleep. He said he would call me after he slept, and i was figuring ten o'clock or something, so I went home and laid down, but couldn't do much beyond ten am myself. I knew knew knew he woulodn't callme anyway, yet I contin ued to hope that he wo uld call so that we could go out and buy the shoes together, ===but he didn't call. i took my weary self to Kohls, then to Publoix and got Tom two subs, and then i went home and walked, because I had no where to divert my restless energy, my longing. Then I tried to lay downand sleep at abaout three, but sleepwouldn't come, and I knew I would be so exhausted that night at work.
It turns out that he didn't even lay down to sleep until noon, I guess he made everyone breakfast, ==and he slept til nine pm.
So that night, at work, I just laid downin the break room at nine pm, and sure enough, at about eleven, I hear a tapping on the break room door. I tried to tell him I was tired and I was gonna sleep, and he said, oh, okay, I'll just go on and do my work, but he just cou ldn't stand it, and he hauledme out of there in about twenty minutes. So I spent the whole night with him, following him around, sitting at the front desk, watching him sleep, posting cases===and I never got anymore sleep myself. Hesaid, well, we'll just go on and get the shoes tomorrow morning (m,eaning Sunday{ and I said, I can't, you know i'm going to Macon in the morning to help my daughter move. Well he was in a quandary then===but once again, I don't know how much I'mbeing manipulated or if I am being manipulated, or ifhe is just an innocent, dumb man who didn't plan right. Because he never went out shoe shoppign on Saturday like I thought. So then he ws upset, how was he going to get Jasmine her shoes, she should have them on her birthday etc. etc. SO i caved and told him I would go through publix, get her some cupcakse, because shelikes cupcakes ,and we got her three helium balloons, and I went thrugh and debitedtwice and gave him a hundred dollars, and I told him he better get her some shoes, and not spend that money, and he swore he would. And so Idropped him off, after stopppppping at Krystal for breakfast, and BP for cigarettes, all my idea. And then I dropped him off twoblocks before his house, and he was happily carriying the balloons anda the cupcakes, and my moneyy, and he never looked back. And so I fear that the relationship has truly changed from us doing anything, or rather, nothing at all together, to me just handing over money to him, and watching him go. That's how it's going down=-==is how it's looking to me. And I'mchanging, my feelings are changing. You can't use Lori wiegele forever/// sooner or later,this dumb old fool willcatch on .
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Oh humanity. Oh pain. Oh love. Sitting here at six in the morning with my son. Couldn't sleep, so I got up at five thirty. He got home at six. I don't know where I went wrong with Otis. Why he doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did. I don't know what I did----I still love him and I still want him. But somewhere between last friday and last saturday he had an epiphany and he said we need to re-evaluate this relationship. And he said he would call me sometime next week but so far he has not called at night and I wasnt going to pick it up anyway, but I at least wanted to know he called, and cared. Why Oh Lord, did you put me through this.? I met this guy for a reason. yes I lost weight. Yes I feel better, but I'm not sure any of it is worth this pain, this pain of knowing love, feeling love, being inn love, and losing it all, losing it all, and it wasn't much anyway, but still, it was like a drug, and it was powerful, and made me feel like a queen, made me feel on top of the world, like a million dollars, hopeful, happy, young, ...
Tom and I are watching World War II in color, and the opening montage of people in pain, people struggling, dying, ---all the folly of humanity, and somewhere in there, broken hearts everywhere,
Sometime sthis life is more than i can bear, because I don't understand it. I don't understand this life, Lord. What are you doing with us down here? Are you laughing? Crying? Shaking your head? I know I chose this Lord, so I deserve it, all the pain. Lord, I pray that I may never be so stupid again....Let me try and love Joe again. Let me try. ANd forgive me Lord when I say it, sometimes I'm just ready to come home, too. A life down here without the kind of love I just felt seems to be a sad, empty colorless life---void of everything --
I think about Otis, what is happening at home, in that busy house, I'm kind of obsessed with everyone, with that young, nubile Jordyn, her friends, what he sees, who he's lusting over. what's going on, what he is eating, whois he hitting on at work. Is there someone else at work. Man, I'm hurting so bad, I can't say. I hurt so bad I can't even cry. If Icry Imight die. The pain is unbelievable.
Tom and I are watching World War II in color, and the opening montage of people in pain, people struggling, dying, ---all the folly of humanity, and somewhere in there, broken hearts everywhere,
Sometime sthis life is more than i can bear, because I don't understand it. I don't understand this life, Lord. What are you doing with us down here? Are you laughing? Crying? Shaking your head? I know I chose this Lord, so I deserve it, all the pain. Lord, I pray that I may never be so stupid again....Let me try and love Joe again. Let me try. ANd forgive me Lord when I say it, sometimes I'm just ready to come home, too. A life down here without the kind of love I just felt seems to be a sad, empty colorless life---void of everything --
I think about Otis, what is happening at home, in that busy house, I'm kind of obsessed with everyone, with that young, nubile Jordyn, her friends, what he sees, who he's lusting over. what's going on, what he is eating, whois he hitting on at work. Is there someone else at work. Man, I'm hurting so bad, I can't say. I hurt so bad I can't even cry. If Icry Imight die. The pain is unbelievable.
in the beginning
This time last year, 2010, i was a fat woman----I had lost some weight but not much---I weighed at least 226 pounds, I only know because when I went and got a pap smear for the first time in 5 or so years, they weighed me. I was depressed to see that i weighed that much---
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Death be not proud
I only give this this title because I swear, if I had any guts, and it wasn't Jordan's birthday on the 23rd, I'd seriously think about killing myself. I have created for myself such a hole---such a pit of pain, that I don't know how I'm gonna crawl out of it. This thing with Otis---not good. Not good at all. Somehow managed to get $3200 back in taxes and it's all gone, and don't know where it all went. I know I didn't spend it all on this man. but I spent some of it on him. My house is fucked up. Imean, my HOUSE,----the people in it----everyone living with suspicions about me, their mother, their wife. Who is this woman, who listens to rap and hip/hop. Who is THIS WOMAN?
imaposer, just a poser, and grieving cuz it's over
*In all of these blogs I have been pouring out my anger on Otis, with Otis, at Otis, but I never gave the aftermath of any of the situations---and I have come to the conclusion that Otis is just a simple man, he just wants to live, to live and be happy, thats what he said to me today, after we both mutually agreed to give each other up---to be friends. He did what I prayed God that he would do---he said it, he said it----I think we need to reevaluate this relationship, with that wry sad smile===not wanting to hurt me. He never want to hurt anybody---I so get it. He is so fucking good to Amber. It just seems that God does put together with wisdom. He put me with Joe because he knew I would look beyond his behavior, and try tounderstand it, even when I don't like it---I would and do understnd it , So Otis is with Amber, and it fucking pisses me off---cuz he is so sweet. and he hooked himself up by choice to a she-devil. He said, she is so gotdamn greedy. If you pour yourself a glass of Koolaid and take it to her to give her a sip, she'll drink the whole gotdamn thing. Butit's in he, it's in her I tell you. She'd try to take your puss all to herself too. I know it. But her greediness, her anger, it's in her, from her mom and her dad. It pisses her off when I tell her that, but then she acknowledges---it's true. So it is with Joe, his behavior is IN him, learned, formed as reaction to the environment, and I get it, and Otis gets it. And here we are. ANd he tried to explain, how he wished she wasnt like that and Joe wasn't like he was and then he and I could go out and just enjoy being together (here I didn't know what he meant, did he mean go out as friends? because all that hurt me so bad, cuz I just don't want to be rfriends. I wanted him to love me like Amber, like a woman. I wanted him to want my pussy bad, to crave it, to have to have itl And I don't think he did, I remember how whenhe first starting htting on me, how he said he would masturbate while thinking about me, and waatch his skeet shoot up andhit the bathroom door. I don't know how much of that was bullshit, but I feel so fucking inadequate that i couldn't measure up to the fantasy. I wonder if he got to thinking about the blood and how he couldn't take any more of that.
Oh my god how depressed I feel. Here in my 52 year old white body---with a pussy that can barely respond anymore, no more wetness, no more rain coming from my body. HOw I have never ridden, how I can barely suck dick, how I suck basically at lovemaking, or sex, or fucking, or whatever. Troy---talking to Troy again. I'm telling you Troy is 48 years old and he says he could still make love all night with a seven minute breather in betwwen. He says, very sadly, Joanne is wasting a good dick, man. A good dick. It's such a waste. He told me how he and Kelly used to just fuck everywhere, outside in the dark, leaning against there apartment, behind the car door on the fourth of July while Kelly's sons were sitting on the hood of the car. Fucking like two rabbits. How I envy people who can just fuck for pure pleasure. How envious I am of that. Man, do I ever have thepuritanupbringing. Troy says black women are mean. He says, now a white woman, if there is a problem in the marriage, or a little cheating, a white woman might suggest counseling, but a black woman would just tell youto get the hell onout with your bitch.
SO YESTerday I got home after spending 300 dollars on him and as I drove away after dropping him off at his dads, i got the most awful feeling, the most helpless, horrible guilty feeling. I knew it was all wrong, --and then, when I got home, I tried to lay down. and my daughter calledand then she came, and my whole family was stting in the family room wqtching tv. Joe made us all gyros and served us all, and I could barely live with myself, look at my daughter, look aat my husband, theman i have been married to for almost 35 years. and I could hardly live with myself, myguilt, my foolishness, and I was convict4ed, and I said to myself, Ihave to end this tonight. I do. I was never more convicted
And it was so weird because at the very time I ws g oing through what I was feeling, Otis was going through the same thing. I don't know when it started for him, yestedyY. i blame that fucking waffle house! wE walked in and sat down. Immediately he seemed totally out of sync. The waitress laid down our silverware, and I saw what I thought was speck of food on his fork, ---it turned out that htere was some dried grits on it. and i didn't see when he handed the waitress the fork---was I looking at the menuj---so out of character for him to do that===she came over with a hot glass of water and sunk all of our silverware in the cup of hot water!. I said, wht is this? She said, I'm sterilizing your silverware. I was alittle surprised. In the meantime, he just became more andmore agitated with the noise, the bustle, the dirt, the eightor nine waitresses and cooks behind the counter, all talking and flexing and he didn't like ours either, theyt were all black, by the way. He order pork chops and eggs, and he didn't like the pork chop. He liked the hash browns and he forked them and his eggs down, and he couldnt get out of there faster. I had never seen him like this, almost what, pouty? cranky? not satisfied. not greatful or happy with this breakfast. I was disappointed. I wanted him to just be happy to be getting a free breakfast and to be with me. but he could not stand the environment---he never wanted to go to another waffle house, ever. but in the meantime, while we were waiting, we talked. He said, I saw Becki. I said, becki who? he said, becki. You know becki! Your sisiter Becke. I'm like what? how? On faybook-- she showed me. Who? you mean Amber. you mean your wife? He nodded. i didn't really want to know what he thoght of Becki, or whatever pictures he saw, or why "Amber showed him those pictures. and were they under my profile, or did she do a little stalking and go under beckis?
I just looked at him. We just looked int each other's eyes. He has the best eyes. The most beautiful eyes--yiou could get lost in his beautiful face I do. He justlooked at me so long and deep and I swear he was almmmost going to cry. Is there somoething you need to tell me, I said. I told her I was deeply in love with you. He said it with such sincerity that I almost believed it. Why would he say such a thing to me. I knowhe would never say that to her---but why would he say that to me. I am, I am, deeplly in love with you, he said. You did not say that to her, did you? I said. Imean, you did't, did you. He just looked atme, again, I thought he was going to cry---I got the feeling thne, that things had changed for him, something, somethingwas wrong, he was feeling some kind of way that wsn't right anymore, ---like me. During all that time, Amber kept calling him and he refused to answer. I said why don't you answer her, man. that is driving her crazy. All you have to do is pick it up----she doesn't understnd why you're not picking up It doesn't look good. what is she supposed to think. Yet he refused to pick itup, or even text her. I'm not sure why. Did he feel guilty that he was with me and he couldn't pick itup and lie straight to her. He does have a problem, if you could cll it that with lying to her---I can't lie to my best friend he once told me. The irony, ---and how jealous I was to hear that too. The only other thing I could thik of was that it was paybck to her, because she did't pick up when he called her many times too. and it drove him wild. What sort of fucking game did these two have going The only thing is though, that i tended to believe that she was up to no good when she did't answer. She told him things like the phone battery was dead, the connection couldn[t be made, she had it on vibrate, etc. etc. But I didnt believe any of that, because I believe hat woman always stayed connected through her cell phone---and she couldn't be reached only 8if she didnt want to be reached.
Well I dropped him off at his da
Oh my god how depressed I feel. Here in my 52 year old white body---with a pussy that can barely respond anymore, no more wetness, no more rain coming from my body. HOw I have never ridden, how I can barely suck dick, how I suck basically at lovemaking, or sex, or fucking, or whatever. Troy---talking to Troy again. I'm telling you Troy is 48 years old and he says he could still make love all night with a seven minute breather in betwwen. He says, very sadly, Joanne is wasting a good dick, man. A good dick. It's such a waste. He told me how he and Kelly used to just fuck everywhere, outside in the dark, leaning against there apartment, behind the car door on the fourth of July while Kelly's sons were sitting on the hood of the car. Fucking like two rabbits. How I envy people who can just fuck for pure pleasure. How envious I am of that. Man, do I ever have thepuritanupbringing. Troy says black women are mean. He says, now a white woman, if there is a problem in the marriage, or a little cheating, a white woman might suggest counseling, but a black woman would just tell youto get the hell onout with your bitch.
SO YESTerday I got home after spending 300 dollars on him and as I drove away after dropping him off at his dads, i got the most awful feeling, the most helpless, horrible guilty feeling. I knew it was all wrong, --and then, when I got home, I tried to lay down. and my daughter calledand then she came, and my whole family was stting in the family room wqtching tv. Joe made us all gyros and served us all, and I could barely live with myself, look at my daughter, look aat my husband, theman i have been married to for almost 35 years. and I could hardly live with myself, myguilt, my foolishness, and I was convict4ed, and I said to myself, Ihave to end this tonight. I do. I was never more convicted
And it was so weird because at the very time I ws g oing through what I was feeling, Otis was going through the same thing. I don't know when it started for him, yestedyY. i blame that fucking waffle house! wE walked in and sat down. Immediately he seemed totally out of sync. The waitress laid down our silverware, and I saw what I thought was speck of food on his fork, ---it turned out that htere was some dried grits on it. and i didn't see when he handed the waitress the fork---was I looking at the menuj---so out of character for him to do that===she came over with a hot glass of water and sunk all of our silverware in the cup of hot water!. I said, wht is this? She said, I'm sterilizing your silverware. I was alittle surprised. In the meantime, he just became more andmore agitated with the noise, the bustle, the dirt, the eightor nine waitresses and cooks behind the counter, all talking and flexing and he didn't like ours either, theyt were all black, by the way. He order pork chops and eggs, and he didn't like the pork chop. He liked the hash browns and he forked them and his eggs down, and he couldnt get out of there faster. I had never seen him like this, almost what, pouty? cranky? not satisfied. not greatful or happy with this breakfast. I was disappointed. I wanted him to just be happy to be getting a free breakfast and to be with me. but he could not stand the environment---he never wanted to go to another waffle house, ever. but in the meantime, while we were waiting, we talked. He said, I saw Becki. I said, becki who? he said, becki. You know becki! Your sisiter Becke. I'm like what? how? On faybook-- she showed me. Who? you mean Amber. you mean your wife? He nodded. i didn't really want to know what he thoght of Becki, or whatever pictures he saw, or why "Amber showed him those pictures. and were they under my profile, or did she do a little stalking and go under beckis?
I just looked at him. We just looked int each other's eyes. He has the best eyes. The most beautiful eyes--yiou could get lost in his beautiful face I do. He justlooked at me so long and deep and I swear he was almmmost going to cry. Is there somoething you need to tell me, I said. I told her I was deeply in love with you. He said it with such sincerity that I almost believed it. Why would he say such a thing to me. I knowhe would never say that to her---but why would he say that to me. I am, I am, deeplly in love with you, he said. You did not say that to her, did you? I said. Imean, you did't, did you. He just looked atme, again, I thought he was going to cry---I got the feeling thne, that things had changed for him, something, somethingwas wrong, he was feeling some kind of way that wsn't right anymore, ---like me. During all that time, Amber kept calling him and he refused to answer. I said why don't you answer her, man. that is driving her crazy. All you have to do is pick it up----she doesn't understnd why you're not picking up It doesn't look good. what is she supposed to think. Yet he refused to pick itup, or even text her. I'm not sure why. Did he feel guilty that he was with me and he couldn't pick itup and lie straight to her. He does have a problem, if you could cll it that with lying to her---I can't lie to my best friend he once told me. The irony, ---and how jealous I was to hear that too. The only other thing I could thik of was that it was paybck to her, because she did't pick up when he called her many times too. and it drove him wild. What sort of fucking game did these two have going The only thing is though, that i tended to believe that she was up to no good when she did't answer. She told him things like the phone battery was dead, the connection couldn[t be made, she had it on vibrate, etc. etc. But I didnt believe any of that, because I believe hat woman always stayed connected through her cell phone---and she couldn't be reached only 8if she didnt want to be reached.
Well I dropped him off at his da
Friday, June 10, 2011
down and out in Atlanta
Sitting here on a Friday night, watching goddam Dr. Turner do his usual Friday night fucking bowel resection---this fool only has call through Friday night so you know he is good and goddam gonna make him some money on Friday night. Feeling low because I realize tthat something inside me has died---the passion that I had for Otis. Like we are reduced to me giving, him needing and him taking. That kind of relationship puts a relationship on an uneven playing field---things can't be right in that situation. Especially when one of the people is twenty years older than the other, and that one being a woman. I am so depressed to be 52 years old and not liking who I see, and it isn't fair, isn't fair at all that I have come into this situation with this man, and he's notmy race, so therefore I can not only not compete with any one my age, but also not my race. And of course I have become fascinated with the race, and I see everyone through his eyes, and I only see beautiful black girls with firm strong smooth long black limbs and high tight booties and fine high bosoms and full lips and flashing brown eyes, and I feel so old, and so fat, and so white and so pasty. and I don;t feel pretty at all, and I don't think white people are good looking anymore. WHite people are really very ugly---and I'm hating everything, and myself most of all. I can't be young and black===I can't be Jordyn, or even Amber. and I notice he has not come by the room to see me tonight, and I think it's dead for him, too. I feelvery sad to be witnessing the death of a relationship, to be a player in the death of a relationship. I hate everything, and I hate Dr. Turner that mother fucker for always having to do a goddam bowel resection on a Friday night. But what the hell, he and I have nothing to really say to each other any way. It's pretty much dead. dead dead dead and dead. These two, Dr. Foote and Dr. Turner are just amiably chatting away while they slowly snip away at bowel adhesions and take their own sweet fucking time on this patient. Disgusted with everything, you know? Truly tired. Need a change. Need to get out of this. Probably just tell him when I drop him off tomorrow---we're kind of dead, aren't we. Nothing going on here. Lets just move on.
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