WEll, sittinghere at work. Dr. Owings doing a thyroidectomy on a big fat black woman. he said to me, cuz I think he is racist, not enough to eat for this one. There ought to be some kind of government program available so this lady can get something to eat---of course all that said matter of fact straight sarcasm---cuz she weighed about 350 pounds. She had a transverse healing abdominal wound that was still a little red and raw, mostly healed but still red and raw at the incision line. I'm just setting the mood in here---we get no music because Dr. Owings can't tolerate music. He is an excellent surgeon. They say he was hell on wheels when he was young.
Jordan is home temporarily---between life phases. We moved her home from Macon and all her stuff is filling up the dining room and the computer room. As if the house wasn't cluttered enough---now I just can't thnk, clean or function---I'll let it all go til we pack her up and take her down to West Palm Beach. Just when I get used to her being home---away she flies again like a little bird. I worry so much about my daughter, about her future happiness. What did she say to me yesterday while we wereeating our Thai chicken chopped salads at Panera. Why is Becki so upset that Brianna is leaving? I said, Because then she has to be all alone with Barry. Jordan was upset. Well Barry isn't very nice to her, she doesn't like Barry that much, ---you don't get it. She says, you and Becki and Rhonda (Rhonda?_--how did she know Rhonda wasn't happy) I don't think you like Dad. I don't likeRhonda encouraging you, I don't like Facebook, you all encourage each other on Facebook! Oh how little that girl knows---she simplifies the situation too much---Hey I said, I try to back Dad up when you and Tom get too rough on him. No. You don't likeDad . Its not very nice.
If I had been thinking quicker I would have explained things better. I wouldhave said, You know, I love Dad. but I don't like him. You see how he treats me. You knowwhy the other day I didn't text him back when he txted me about picking up lunch stuff for tom. ? You know why? Because he texted me a picture of a carton of broken egg shells that fell out of the garbage can when he pulled it out from under the sink. The caption was "GOOD JOB". Now what the fuck? WHo the fuck does that? Was that necessary to do that? Whatkind of unhappy son of a bitch takes the time to send that picture with that caption to his wife, while she is hard at work---in the space of time it took him to text that he could have cleaned that shitup and just gone on with his business, live and let live. It was his damn fault for being in one of his goddam hurries.
That sonof abitch didn't deserve a t ext back from me.. If y ou're gonna treat me like shit,then you get treated like shit. I wanted to tell her, want to tell her---you know what. Why are you blaming me and Becki and Rhonda, esp me and Becki. We're the GOOD GUYS! We are the ones who have sacrificed everything, our happiness, love, peace of mind, to give YOU, our children, a father, some semblance of a family---that's what YOU wanted Jordan. You didn't want us to be divorced. So we didn't get divorced. I did it all for you, Jordan, for you, becaue I think Tom would have understood it, but YOU, you wanted to live an illusion---YOU--we are NOT the bad guys. We do not text our husbands with nasty, mean picture messages, we do NOT give our spouses the silent treatment, make them feel guilty for laughing and enjoying life, yell at them, verbally abuse them, mentally assault them with put downs and harangues---no., We are not the goddam bad guys---good god almighty we fucking gave it all up for you guys---lived in hell for thirty plus years so YOU COULD HAVE A GODDAM FATHER! THATS what I wanted to say to her---and I still might, because if she treats Chrislike that, he isn't gonna likeher. Hemight love her, but he is gonna hateher too. And I can't bear to think of someone hating my daughter--but she is like Joe---she watches him, she loves him, she hates him, and I know she is gonna be just like him. Something IN her, is gonna imitate him, and she can both help and not help it. I worry.
OL called me three times yesterday even tho heknows Jordan is with me. He didn't call me at all last week, but something is up this week. He called me twice yesterday and then once at night and we spoke briefly,and he seemed so up, it was weird. He said, I can't wait til I see you on Friday I have some things to tell you. It freaked me out. BUt they seemed like good things. Maybe he got his drivers license, or ID> Maybe Amber got a job. I don't know. But I am rather freaked. and he said he wou ld maybe stay and see me in the morning,but he has said that to me fifteen times so far nd never stayed. so this morning I knew w0ould be no diffrent, but he called me at 7:15 and I didn't hear the call cuz I had the sound settings messed up. something is up. but don't know what. Not overly concerned. Just curious. Don't care as much as I used to. Hungry. Where is my break relief?
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