Well this morning we had a fire drill at work and we were all herding downstairs past the cafeteria, and who did I see when I passed but Otis! God, just to see his fine face like shocked me and hit me in my heart---honestly, he is so good looking to me---withthat shaved head and those amazing eyes. I don't know what it is---but for some reason, I was also instantly pissed. Because for some other reason, I was always under the impression that he was in a fucking hurry to leave the building to catch the bus to get home to the bitch. He never can stay around to see me---but I bet he is sitting around down there chatting up the nurses---the smart ones who don't try to buy his fucking love--pitiful old fools like me, old white fucking sugar mama. I am ashamed to admit how much money I spent on him this month--and for wht? for nothing? Barely a kiss---nothing. If I try to tell him some little story or some little thing, he either interrupts me or is reading an evil text from Amber, and worrying about getting home to HER! god how foolish can one woman be? I mean, I am getting nothing out of this relationship! NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. but poorer, more in debt. God is watching my foolishness and I am hell bound, hellbound, I am telling you. Hell BOUND!
We stopped by his mama's house yesterday, because that's where he has to sockaway all his treasures---it doesn't lookgood to Amber when he comes home with five bags of clothes and a Fossil watch. He has to hide all his shit--otherwise, God knows what shemight do to it if she went on a rampage, his wife I mean. His mama said, I'm mad at you. I said, Why? She said, because you never called me---I said, well, you know I never know if I am interrupting or you're watching TV or anything.....She says, That doesn't matter! Call me! then she said, listen, call me sometime. I need to ask you something. When can you call me? I said, how about tomorrow? I know his mama is gonna hit me up for money. She was admiring the true religion boots that he was wearing. I would wear something like that! she said, in the winter. Oh yes, I would--I lke to wear different stuff like that. she was admiring his sunglasses, which I bought, and said, I would wear these too! Oh my god, the hints were dropping like bombs. She siad, Oh my God, I love your bracelet you are wearing. It was a multi-colored stone stretch bracelet which was cheap. I liked it because I could literally wear it with any outfit, which is what she said. Do you want it? You can have it, I said. ANd she did not hesitate. Oh yes. I love it. I took it from my wrist and she put it on hers. there was NO, no, really , I wouldn't dream of it. None of that, give and take before one party says,NO, I want to give it to you. What there was was, Yes, I want it. SO I'm going to call her today and I know she is gonna hit me up for money===and I hope it's not a lot, but I'm gonna give it to her, because I'm gonna play this game out with thiese people,and know one thing, god is watching this shit. Fifty bucks is my limit. Fifty bucks.
Theother day when I was picking him up from his dad's house, out comes his half sister Cheryl. Supposedly a minister of her own church--how one achieves this status I don't know. But out she comes---sslithering up to me like a predator, like a snake. I just want to ask you one thing, she says,. I would like you to make a one time donation to my church. I said, well, I can't rigtht now, cuz right now I'm basically supporting HIM and your mother and sometimes to his daddy---She took out an envelope with her church name on it and wrote $100 dollars. I wanted to puke right on that manipulative, user bitch. Because one thing Iknow, that money wsn't go to her damn church. It was gonna go in her pocket, for nails, clothes, a new hat, food, anything but the church cause. She was at Otis' dad's house solely for th epurpose of borrowing money from Otis senior )not her real father, by the way). Well he didn't have any money for her either.
Yesterday, also, Otis dad was gonna lend Otis a hundred dollars so he could make his rent, because Amber shorted their land lord last month and didn't give him all the rent money
Okay, it is now September 6th and I'm just gonna continue this from up there, even though, as of this morning, I know that Otis and I will never be the same, and that I will never go back to what I did for him, or them. But anyway, so Otis' dad was gonna give HIM a hundred, but then he instantly needed twenty bucks of it back==so then Otis needed another twenty to make the rent. These people just seem to make the rounds with each other, driving around, if any of them have gas money, looking to bum ten or twenty bucks off each other. And I see that they readily give it up, if they have it, BUT the undertanding is that it will be paid back---otherwise there won't be no next time!
It just makes me almost laugh at this process they have of bumming money, borrowing a five or a ten---
Anyway, what do you know. I called Otis mama, just like I said I would, because I keep my word, we do in my world. In my family. To be fair. In my family. So me and Miss Pat talk a while. We talk about Amber. I just hate how she do him, she said. He works all night , then he has to go home and clean everything, and she takes off and he has to stay with the twins. And those twins, that one that looks like her, she's bad. They're bad. I said, you really think they're bad--because I saw those twins and they were sweet little girls, ---I don't care what his mom said, four year olds can't really be that bad, and they weren't. they were well behaved. They minded. "I know they are!" she said. Specially that one that looks like her. I love her but I don't like how she do him. So there I had it then. She said it==I love her, which means, I still respect her as his wife, or I respect her as a black woman---whatever. Or maybe she just said it so I wouldn't think she would betray a daughter in law, in case I ever ended up as one. Then Miss Pat said, well, I was afraid you were mad at me about Otis' clothes. I'm like what? she said, you know, how he had those nice shirts all balled up. I wanted to hang them up, like you said. But he said they would be okay.
A tiny part of me hoped and hoped and hoped against hope that this was what she really wanted to talk to me about. Oh God how I hoped that Miss Pat just wanted to talk about his shirts and not wanting to hit me up for money. Oh, I said. Those are Otis' shirts. Once I give them to him, he can do whatever he wants to do with them. I'm not mad at all. I was sittng on the toilet, taking a crap actually, and I really hoped me and Miss Pat were having a lady chat. but then as I was edging toward maybe goodbye, she said,Listen Lori. I have something to ask you, but it's just between us, okay. So I knew it was coming. I need to borrow some money. I need to get a car tag for my car and some some some blah blah fixed blah blah, (actually Otis had said something about this too,so it sounded like a familiar story). I listened. Well, how much do you need? I asked. Two hundred dollars she said. Two hundred dollars! I felt my heart sink into despair because I knew I wasgoing to go over my fifty dollar limit, and I was watching all my money go to people who don't love me but use me---opportunists, every last one. I hated myself for being weak, and for being such an easy target, (Jordan would never be this foolish),and for still hoping that maybe he might love me if I gave him mama money which I barely had for myself.
Well, I can't give you two hundred right now I said. I've given Otis as much as I had, and I had to pull out most of it to cover some of my own stuff. Well, how much can you give me, she said? I think I can get you a hundred, I said, while crying somewhere deep in my soul at the absurdity of this situation. How did I ever get into this, with these people?
She was a little disappointed. Well, alright then. As long as you can maybe get the rest of that to me by December, Her birthday was in January, so maybe there was some truth to the car tag story. But I still felt to myself, the nerve, telling me to get the rest of it to her by December. And Lori, I can't really repay you until at least February. that's okay, i said, because I knew i would never be repaid. I didn't even ponder on that thought. I hung up. feeling so utterly taken, so used, so unloved for anythjing except the money that I really didn't have, which made it worse, because I knew I was taking away from MY family, my bills, my needs. My debt.
I had told her I would bring it by that day, after work. And as usual, I was compelled, according to my upbringing, to do what I said. I was also anxious to please her, my faux mother=in=law, so that maybe Otis wopuld be pleased. And maybe I could do something for her that that bitch Amber couldn't. It gave me some sense of power over her---sick,but it did. So after work I went to the credit union, drew out a hundred, (which by the way was money that was supposed to go to Otis for his birthday). Then because I still wanted to look good in her eyes, I went to Chick a loes and got her fifteen lemon pepper wings, and THEN to the grocery story and picked out three grapefruit, the red kind, because that's what she said she would REALLY like to have, the last time I saw her. Which at that time I had brought her two dozen bottles of water, raw chicken breasts and thighs (she preferred wings, I found out) nutty bars, and a twenty, which otis tried to grab, but didn't get.
So then I drove over to the apartments and called her. Well I swear I thought I had called into the twilight zone. Miss Pat? It's Lori. Oh, she said. I'm surprised she didn't say Who? Uh---well, uh, I brought your money, I said. I thought you wanted it today..... Oh uh, yeah, honey.....I mean, well, I can bring it by another day, I said. I got the most distinct feeling that she didn't want me to come up! I can come down in my chair, she said. Well, no, I don't want you to have to do that, i said.
Well, alright, you can come on up then, she said, but she wasn't to excited about that prospect. I'm thinking, what the fuck is going on here. She called me up this very day, asking for money, here I am with it, and I'm getting this vague, weird conversation. I was like blown out of the water, my mind was all confused. It was like talking to two different people! One who was so eager to talk to me, who was insulted I didn't call her every week, and this lady, who didn't really want me to come up to the apartment. It was fucking weird. So Imade my way through the electronic gate, some guy coming out let me come in. I made my way to her apartment. I knocked on her door. It took her awhile to answer it. She opened it. I almost thought she was going to bar the door. Well come on in baby and give me a hug. I kind of walked past her and said, I brought you some wings, and some grapefruit, since you said you liked it. I don't know how good they are since they're not really in season yet. "Oh how sweet, she said. I love grapefruit! How did you know? You told me, I said. I took a brief glance around the small living area, saw no one , but got such a definite feeling that someone was in there, in the bedroom maybe? A lover? Man , I don't know how, she can barely walk,and when she does its bent over, she pees on ehrself worse than I do, and she wears dentures. BUt still, we all need some loving, I guess. She did not ask me in, to sit down, to talk, so I walked back to the door and gave her a hug. Either she had someone there, or she was fixing to go and had no time to be polite. So I gave her the bank envelope with the money, bent down to give her a hug, and she watched me til I got on the elevator, then closed her door. I walked back to my car and sat there and ate all fifteen teriyaki wings that I saved for myself. Too damn bad if she would have preferred them over Lemon pepper, or breasts. or legs or whatever the fuck---no matter what I got, she would always be wanting, or happier with the thing I didn't get. I felt profoundly depressed---Otis mama didn't give a damn about knowing me or talking to me. Hell,she didn't even particularly give a damn about getting the money that day---because I know in their world, if you get it, you get it, if you don't, you don't. but somehow, they survive,any way they can.
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