used, manipulated, taken for a ride,

Well this morning we had a fire drill at work and we were all herding downstairs past the cafeteria, and who did I see when I passed but Otis!  God, just to see his fine face like shocked me and hit me in my heart---honestly, he is so good looking to me---withthat shaved head and those amazing eyes.  I don't know what it is---but for some reason, I was also instantly pissed.  Because for some other reason, I was always under the impression that he was in a fucking hurry to leave the building to catch the bus to get home to the bitch.  He never can stay around to see me---but I bet he is sitting around down there chatting up the nurses---the smart ones who don't try to buy his fucking love--pitiful old fools like me, old white fucking sugar mama.  I am ashamed to admit how much money I spent on him this month--and for wht?  for nothing?  Barely a kiss---nothing.  If I try to tell him some little story or some little thing, he either interrupts me or is reading an evil text from Amber, and worrying about getting home to HER!  god how foolish can one woman be?  I mean, I am getting nothing out of this relationship!  NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.  but poorer, more in debt.  God is watching my foolishness and I am hell bound, hellbound, I am telling you.  Hell BOUND! 

We stopped by his mama's house yesterday, because that's where he has to sockaway all his treasures---it doesn't lookgood to Amber when he comes home with five bags of clothes and a Fossil watch.  He has to hide all his shit--otherwise, God knows what shemight do to it if she went on a rampage, his wife I mean.  His mama said, I'm mad at you.  I said, Why?  She said, because you never called me---I said, well, you know I never know if I am interrupting or you're watching TV or anything.....She says, That doesn't matter!  Call me!  then she said, listen, call me sometime.  I need to ask you something.  When can you call me?  I said, how about tomorrow?  I know his mama is gonna hit me up for money.  She was admiring the true religion boots that he was wearing.  I would wear something like that!  she said, in the winter.  Oh yes, I would--I lke to wear different stuff like that.  she was admiring his sunglasses, which I bought, and said, I would wear these too!  Oh my god, the hints were dropping like bombs.  She siad, Oh my God, I love your bracelet you are wearing.  It was a multi-colored stone stretch bracelet which was cheap.  I liked it because I could literally wear it with any outfit, which is what she said.  Do you want it?  You can have it, I said.  ANd she did not  hesitate.  Oh yes.  I love it.  I took it from my wrist and she put it on hers.  there was NO, no, really , I wouldn't dream of it.  None of that, give and take before one party says,NO, I want to give it to you.  What there was was, Yes, I want it.  SO I'm going to call her today and I know she is gonna hit me up for money===and I hope it's not a lot, but I'm gonna give it to her, because I'm gonna play this game out with thiese people,and know one thing, god is watching this shit.  Fifty bucks is my limit.  Fifty bucks. 

Theother day when I was picking him up from his dad's house, out comes his half sister Cheryl.  Supposedly a minister of her own church--how one achieves this status I don't know.  But out she comes---sslithering up to me like a predator, like a snake.  I just want to ask you one thing, she says,.  I would like you to make a one time donation to my church.  I said, well, I can't rigtht now, cuz right now I'm basically supporting HIM and your mother and sometimes to his daddy---She took out an envelope with her church name on it and wrote $100 dollars.  I wanted to puke right on that manipulative, user bitch.  Because one thing Iknow, that money wsn't go to her damn church.  It was gonna go in her pocket, for nails, clothes, a new hat, food, anything but the church cause.  She was at Otis' dad's house solely for th epurpose of borrowing money from Otis senior )not her real father, by the way).  Well he didn't have any money for her either. 
Yesterday, also, Otis dad was gonna lend Otis a hundred dollars so he could make his rent, because Amber shorted their land lord last month and didn't give him all the rent money

Okay, it is now September 6th and I'm just gonna continue this from up there, even though, as of this morning, I know that Otis and I will never be the same, and that I will never go back to what I did for him, or them.  But anyway, so Otis' dad was gonna give HIM a hundred, but then he instantly needed twenty bucks of it back==so then Otis needed another twenty to make the rent.  These people just seem to make the rounds with each other, driving around, if any of them have gas money, looking to bum ten or twenty bucks off each other.  And I see that they readily give it up, if they have it, BUT the undertanding is that it will be paid back---otherwise there won't be no next time!

It just makes me almost laugh at this process they have of bumming money, borrowing a five or a ten---
Anyway, what do you know.  I called Otis mama, just like I said I would, because I keep my word, we do in my world.  In my family.  To be fair.  In my family.  So me and Miss Pat talk a while.  We talk about Amber.  I just hate how she do him, she said.  He works all night , then he has to go home and clean everything, and she takes off and he has to stay with the twins.  And those twins, that one that looks like her, she's bad.  They're bad.  I said, you really think they're bad--because I saw those twins and they were sweet little girls, ---I don't care what his mom said, four year olds can't really be that bad, and they weren't.  they were well behaved.  They minded.  "I know they are!"  she said.  Specially that one that looks like her.  I love her but I don't like how she do him.  So there I had it then.  She said it==I love her, which means, I still respect her as his wife, or I respect her as a black woman---whatever.  Or maybe she just said it so I wouldn't think she would betray a daughter in law, in case I ever ended up as one.  Then Miss Pat said, well, I was afraid you were mad at me about Otis' clothes.  I'm like what?  she said, you know, how he had those nice shirts all balled up.  I wanted to hang them up, like you said.  But he said they would be okay. 

A tiny part of me hoped and hoped and hoped against hope that this was what she really wanted to talk to me about.  Oh God how I hoped that Miss Pat just wanted to talk about his shirts and not wanting to hit me up for money.  Oh, I said.  Those are Otis' shirts.  Once I give them to him, he can do whatever he wants to do with them.  I'm not mad at all.  I was sittng on the toilet, taking a crap actually, and I really hoped me and Miss Pat were having a lady chat.  but then as I was edging toward maybe goodbye, she said,Listen Lori.  I have something to ask you, but it's just between us, okay.  So I knew it was coming.  I need to borrow some money.  I need to get a car tag for my car and some some some blah blah fixed blah blah, (actually Otis had said something about this too,so it sounded like a familiar story).  I listened.  Well, how much do you need?  I asked.  Two hundred dollars she said.  Two hundred dollars!  I felt my heart sink into despair because I knew I wasgoing to go over my fifty dollar limit, and I was watching all my money go to people who don't love me but use me---opportunists, every last one.  I hated myself for being weak, and for being such an easy target,  (Jordan would never be this foolish),and for still hoping that maybe he might love me if I gave him mama money which I barely had for myself.

Well, I can't give you two hundred right now I said.  I've given Otis as much as I had, and I had to pull out most of it to cover some of my own stuff.  Well, how much can you give me, she said?  I think I can get you a hundred, I said, while crying somewhere deep in my soul at the absurdity of this situation.  How did I ever get into this, with these people?  

She was a little disappointed.  Well, alright then.  As long as you can maybe get the rest of that to me by December,  Her birthday was in January, so maybe there was some truth to the car tag story.  But I still felt to myself, the nerve, telling me to get the rest of it to her by December.  And Lori, I can't really repay you until at least February. that's okay, i said, because I knew i would never be repaid.  I didn't even ponder on that thought.  I hung up. feeling so utterly taken, so used, so unloved for anythjing except the money that I really didn't have, which made it worse, because I knew I was taking away from MY family, my bills, my needs.  My debt.

I had told her I would bring it by that day, after work.  And as usual, I was compelled, according to my upbringing, to do what I said.  I was also anxious to please her, my faux mother=in=law, so that maybe Otis wopuld be pleased.  And maybe I could do something for her that that bitch Amber couldn't. It gave me some sense of power over her---sick,but it did.  So after work I went to the credit union, drew out a hundred, (which by the way was money that was supposed to go to Otis for his birthday).  Then because I still wanted to look good in her eyes, I went to Chick a loes and got her fifteen lemon pepper wings, and THEN to the grocery story and picked out three grapefruit, the red kind, because that's what she said she would REALLY like to have, the last time I saw her.  Which at that time I had brought her two dozen bottles of water, raw chicken breasts and thighs (she preferred wings, I found out) nutty bars, and a twenty, which otis tried to grab, but didn't get. 

So then I drove over to the apartments and called her.  Well I swear I thought I had called into the twilight zone. Miss Pat?  It's Lori.  Oh, she said.  I'm surprised she didn't say Who?  Uh---well, uh, I brought your money, I said.  I thought you wanted it today..... Oh uh, yeah, honey.....I mean, well, I can bring it by another day, I said.  I got the most distinct feeling that she didn't want me to come up!  I can come down in my chair, she said.  Well, no, I don't want you to have to do that, i said. 
Well, alright, you can come on up then, she said, but she wasn't to excited about that prospect.  I'm thinking, what the fuck is going on here.  She called me up this very day, asking for money, here I am with it, and I'm getting this vague, weird conversation.  I was like blown out of the water, my mind was all confused.  It was like talking to two different people!  One who was so eager to talk to me, who was insulted I didn't call her every week, and this lady, who didn't really want me to come up to the apartment.  It was fucking weird.  So Imade my way through the electronic gate, some guy coming out let me come in.  I made my way to her apartment.  I knocked on her door.  It took her awhile to answer it.  She opened it.  I almost thought she was going to bar the door.  Well come on in baby and give me a hug.  I kind of walked past her and said, I brought you some wings, and some grapefruit, since you said you liked it.  I don't know how good they are since they're not really in season yet.  "Oh how sweet, she said.  I love grapefruit!  How did you know?  You told me, I said.  I took a brief glance around the small living area, saw no one , but got such a definite feeling that someone was in there, in the bedroom maybe?  A lover?  Man , I don't know how, she can barely walk,and when she does its bent over, she pees on ehrself worse than I do, and she wears dentures.  BUt still, we all need some loving, I guess.  She did not ask me in, to sit down, to talk, so I walked back to the door and gave her a hug.  Either she had someone there, or she was fixing to go and had no time to be polite.  So I gave her the bank envelope with the money, bent down to give her a hug, and she watched me til I got on the elevator, then closed her door.  I walked back to my car and sat there and ate all fifteen teriyaki wings that I saved for myself.  Too damn bad if she would have preferred them over Lemon pepper, or breasts. or legs or whatever the fuck---no matter what I got, she would always be wanting, or happier with the thing I didn't get.  I felt profoundly depressed---Otis mama didn't give a damn about knowing me or talking to me.   Hell,she didn't even particularly give a damn about getting the money that day---because I know in their world, if you get it, you get it, if you don't, you don't.  but somehow, they survive,any way they can.

late in the day in "august, thunder rumbling in the distance

Joe and I have been literally been sitting here in this family room all day, since about ten am.  We probably have spoken five minutes worth of conversation with each other.  When we drove home from West Palm Beach on Friday, we maybe had ten minutes worth of conversation.  What does this mean?  That we are so comfortable with each other that we don't really need to talk?  That we just don't have much to say to each other after 30 years?  Sometimes I fear it's because I am a very poor conversationalist---I do, but I don't think so.  Jordan and I talked almost the whole time when I was in the car with her, and last night at work, I carried on a four hour conversation with a girl I barely know.  I am atually very good at prompting people to talk, and very good at give and take in a conversation, not dominating it too much, except with my sisters maybe----I think they think I am a butt-er  in-er , but they are the only two people besides Rhonda who really listen to me, and let me talk.  I fear that we just don't have much to say to each other, Joe and I.  We just don't.  We just watched a movie, Life as we know it, with Katherine Heigl, ===it got bad reviews, but I thought it was sweet, myself .  But there was one scene, where Heigl is fighting with JOsh Duhamel, god he is so fine, ==and Heigl's doctor boyfriend said, If my wife and I had fought like that, we would still be married.  And to me, that is the truth----it shows you still care enough to fight, to figure it out, to communicate.  And friday night, I was sitting st the front desk, and Otis was clear downthe hall way, talking on the phone with Amber.  Only he was talking so loud, I could hear him from the front desk.  <Like his daddy, his voice gets higher when he gets frustrated.  Well, I sidled down the hallway, and I was listening.  He was passionately yelling into the phone,m sometimes taking it away from his face, gesturing wildly in frustration.  He said, that is not my gotdam fault I lost my job at St. Joes.  That was your fault . And .....what ever happened to for richer for poorer, for better for worse, till death DO YOU PART?  this man wants to stay married to this woman.  He loves her for some goddam reason that I don't gget, but that bitch knows how to play him like a fiddle. She's been threatening divorce and hitting him up for alimony AND child support.  Well he hung up with her and we were discussing it, andf all of a sudden he was afraid he hadn't disconnected his cell phone and he was freakng worried she heard us.  He dialed her back, but apparently she hadn't heard anything, he must have disconnected.  It bothers me so much to know and to realize that he cares  so much =-==that he tells me, fuck her, I'm fixing to move on for REAL, and yet, he is instantly worried about beingn caughtk, found out, busted, and losing HER.  ANd I keep thinking, what the fuck?  What the fuck I am doing here.?  This still is the rare  black man who just cares passionately about his woman and he wants to stay married to her  And it pisses me off that he keeps coming back to me to use me for all the little shit he needs at Walmart.  It hurts me.  It hurts me bad.

another day another dollar another day in purgatory

WEll, sittinghere at work.  Dr. Owings doing a thyroidectomy on a big fat black woman.  he said to me, cuz I think he is racist, not enough to eat for this one.  There ought to be some kind of government program available so this lady can get something to eat---of course all that said matter of fact straight sarcasm---cuz she weighed about 350 pounds.  She had a transverse healing abdominal wound that was still a little red and raw, mostly healed but still red and raw at the incision line.  I'm just setting the mood in here---we get no music because Dr. Owings can't tolerate music. He is an excellent surgeon. They say he was hell on wheels when he was young.

Jordan is home temporarily---between life phases.  We moved her home from Macon and all her stuff is filling up the dining room and the computer room.  As if the house wasn't cluttered enough---now I just can't thnk, clean or function---I'll let it all go til we pack her up and take her down to West Palm Beach.  Just when I get used to her being home---away she flies again like a little bird.  I worry so much about my daughter, about her future happiness.  What did she say to me yesterday while we wereeating our Thai chicken chopped salads at Panera.  Why is Becki so upset that Brianna is leaving?  I said, Because then she has to be all alone with Barry.  Jordan was upset.  Well Barry isn't very nice to her, she doesn't like Barry that much, ---you don't get it.  She says, you and Becki and Rhonda (Rhonda?_--how did she know Rhonda wasn't happy)  I don't think you like Dad.  I don't likeRhonda encouraging you, I don't like Facebook, you all encourage each other on Facebook!  Oh how little that girl knows---she simplifies the situation too much---Hey I said, I try to back Dad up when you and Tom get too rough on him.  No. You don't likeDad .  Its not very nice.

If I had been thinking quicker I would have explained things better.  I wouldhave said, You know, I love Dad. but I don't like him.  You see how he treats me.  You knowwhy the other day I didn't text him back when he  txted me about picking up lunch stuff for tom.  ?  You know why?  Because he texted me a picture of a carton of broken egg shells that fell out of the garbage can when he pulled it out from under the sink.  The caption was "GOOD JOB".  Now what the fuck?  WHo the fuck does that?  Was that necessary to do that?  Whatkind of unhappy son of a bitch takes the time to send that picture with that caption to his wife, while she is hard at work---in the space of time it took him to text that he could have cleaned that shitup and just gone on with his business, live and let live.  It was his damn fault for being in one of his goddam hurries.

That sonof abitch didn't deserve a t ext back from me..  If y ou're gonna treat me like shit,then you get treated like shit.  I wanted to tell her, want to tell her---you know what.  Why are you blaming me and Becki and Rhonda, esp me and Becki.  We're the GOOD GUYS!  We are the ones who have sacrificed everything, our happiness, love, peace of mind, to give  YOU, our children, a father, some semblance of a family---that's what YOU wanted Jordan.   You didn't want us to be divorced.  So we didn't get divorced.  I did it all for you, Jordan, for you, becaue I think Tom would have understood it, but YOU, you wanted to live an illusion---YOU--we are NOT the bad guys.  We do not text our husbands with nasty, mean picture messages, we do NOT give our spouses the silent treatment, make them feel guilty for laughing and enjoying life, yell at them, verbally abuse them, mentally assault them with put downs and harangues---no.,  We are not the goddam bad guys---good god almighty we fucking gave it all up for you guys---lived in hell for thirty plus years so YOU COULD HAVE A GODDAM FATHER!   THATS what I wanted to say to her---and I still might, because if she treats Chrislike that, he isn't gonna likeher.  Hemight love her, but he is gonna hateher too.  And I can't bear to think of someone hating my daughter--but she is like Joe---she watches him, she loves him, she hates him, and I know she is gonna be just like him.  Something IN her, is gonna imitate him, and she can both help and not help it.  I worry.

OL called me three times yesterday even tho heknows Jordan is with me.  He didn't call me at all last week, but something is up this week.  He called me twice yesterday and then once at night and we spoke briefly,and  he seemed so up, it was weird.  He said, I can't wait til I see you on Friday I have some things to tell you.  It freaked me out.  BUt they seemed like good things.  Maybe he got his drivers license, or ID>  Maybe Amber got a job.  I don't know.  But I am rather freaked.  and he said he wou ld maybe stay and see me in the morning,but he has said that to me fifteen times so far nd never stayed.  so this morning I knew w0ould be no diffrent, but he called me at 7:15 and I didn't hear the call cuz I had the sound settings messed up.  something is up. but don't know what.  Not overly concerned.  Just curious.  Don't care as much as I used to.  Hungry.  Where is my break relief?

the cycle continues

Well, not much new on this relationship front.  had a hellishly bad weekend a few weeks ago.  Amber posted on her wallthat she and Nate had a terrific meal at Two Thumbs Up==a restaurant that i had heard about and wanted to try myself.  She had a steak cooked to perfection,and he had the biggest pancakes she had ever seen, according to her post.  Well, just the thought of the two of them sitting across from each other. and see, I know how he looks cuz I have sat across from him many times now at IHOP---just tothink of them, him laughing sweetly at something she said, looking sheepish,diving into his food with such pleasure, being with his BOO, her getting to see that fine man across from her, and being able to claim him as hers,well it was all too much for me.  And then, to think, to think, that he bought that forher, while it is I who is continuously forking over the cash, or the creditcard, me, gettting nothing, just giving. 

I almostwent nuts with jealousy and grief.  Rhonda and i texted til my phone battery was practially dead.  i was determined to dumphis ass that Friday night, but then, there he was,..  smiling at me ---really, he never has a clue what i am thinking.  I eventually did tell him what was botheringme, asked him who paid, He said it was her, from the money Cara gave them for the down payment on the Expedition.  He told me they weren't very good anyway, and somehow, that made me feel better, because he loves those blueberry pancakes at IHOP.  But still, just the image of them eating together, and then, walking home because they had no car=-==Amber let the Uplander get repoed again.  I don't raelly understand the whole situation, but Cara lent Amber two grand to put down on an expedition, and I don't understand why they just didn't get the Uplander out of repo, but somehow their dealer/lender ripped them off bad=-=Nate told me they still owed ten grand on that car and he'd already paid like eight grand, so apparently, they were just going to start anew on an "Expedition, and he was going to pay the car note by himself, and not give her the money  anymore.

I decided it wasn't any of my business===none of it is my business, how they handle their affairs.  I don't understand why they just did't get the Uplander===someone is probably gonna screw them on that Expedition too.

He and I continue===even after he said we needed to re-evaluate the relationship, we continue, in some ways the same.  Insome ways different.  There are only so many times that I can be hurt and suffer before my feelings change, and they are changing.  For instance, I don't think of him so much anymore===not constantly, not night and day, not the first thing in the am or the last thing at night (well sometimes, the last thing at night).  so the obsession is gone.  And I really do feel somewhere in side me, also know the truth, that he continues with me in order to use me, to get me to give him money....and he never has to outright ask.  He just preys on my kindness.  This past weekend was Jasmine's sixteenth birthday===she wanted AirMax.  He said he saved a hundred out for that, buthe kept going on and on about that, ===and finally I said, would you like me to help buy those shoes for her.  I did after all buy Blesshawn hisbike.  I may as well get Jasmine's gift as well.  He said, would you?  All I have is a hundred to last for thenext two weeks.  But of course, he had enough money to buy Extenze for his penis size and pleasure pills (from the gas station!) AND I had to ask what for,?  who for?  why did he feel he needed penis extender pills.  You know what, they did something to him because his dick kept going up and down all by itself on sumday.  But here is the kicker, and where things have changed.  He doesn't seem to want to go with me anymore anywhere.  He just wants me to give him the momey.  I so desperately wanted to go out with him Saturday,just to be seen with him, to be with him in his company, but we had two hours to ki8ll before Foot Locker opened and I genuinely think he is trying to avoid pissing Amber off or giving her any suspicions as to his whereabouts-=-=it has been getting too routine lately for him to come home two or three hours late on a Satuday or a Sunday.  But anyway, he said he was too tired Saturday to go with me, and to kill two hours berore Foot locker, so I said, just go home.  Get some sleep.  He said he would call me after he slept, and i was figuring ten o'clock or something, so I went home and laid down, but couldn't do much beyond ten am myself.  I knew knew knew he woulodn't callme anyway, yet I contin ued to hope that he wo uld call so that we could go out and buy the shoes together, ===but he didn't call.  i took my weary self to Kohls, then to Publoix and got Tom two subs, and then i went home and walked, because I had no where to divert my restless energy, my longing.  Then I tried to lay downand sleep at abaout three, but sleepwouldn't come, and I knew I would be so exhausted that night at work.

It turns out that he didn't even lay down to sleep until noon, I guess he made everyone breakfast, ==and he slept til nine pm.

So that night, at work, I just laid downin the break room at nine pm, and sure enough, at about eleven, I hear a tapping on the break room door.  I tried to tell him I was tired and I was gonna sleep, and he said, oh, okay, I'll just go on and do my work, but he just cou ldn't stand it, and he hauledme out of there in about twenty minutes.  So I spent the whole night with him, following him around, sitting at the front desk, watching him sleep, posting cases===and I never got anymore sleep myself.  Hesaid, well, we'll just go on and get the shoes tomorrow morning (m,eaning Sunday{  and I said, I can't, you know i'm going to Macon in the morning to help my daughter move.  Well he was in a quandary then===but once again, I don't know how much I'mbeing manipulated or if I am being manipulated, or ifhe is just an innocent, dumb man who didn't plan right.  Because he never went out shoe shoppign on Saturday like I thought.  So then he ws upset, how was he going to get Jasmine her shoes, she should have them on her birthday etc. etc.  SO i caved and told him I would go through publix, get her some cupcakse, because shelikes cupcakes ,and we got her three helium balloons, and I went thrugh and debitedtwice and gave him a hundred dollars, and I told him he better get her some shoes, and not spend that money, and he swore he would.  And so Idropped him off, after stopppppping at Krystal for breakfast, and BP for cigarettes, all my idea.  And then I dropped him off twoblocks before his house, and he was happily carriying the balloons anda the cupcakes, and my moneyy, and he never looked back.  And so I fear that the relationship has truly changed from us doing anything, or rather, nothing at all together, to me just handing over  money to him, and watching him go.  That's how it's going down=-==is how it's looking to me.  And I'mchanging, my feelings are changing.  You can't use Lori wiegele forever///  sooner or later,this dumb old fool willcatch on .