Yesterday was your birthday., You are 32----right in the middlle of a busy, full life. Your wife wished you a happy birthday on facebook, and it almost tore me up. to see her write, happy birthday to my hubby, I love you more and more as the years roll by. You are an great husband and an excellent father. and I know he is on at least the one hand, an excellent father. You are a special person---something about you, your spirit rises above the rest---it was calling me as you stood and looked at me from a distance down the hall. Your eyes kept calling me. And then you took off your scrub hat and I saw your big, round shiny shaved dome---and combine that with your mega-watt million watt smile---and that happy, amazinglaugh---and the way you listen to people and talk so easily and with such charm---kind of like my dad in the way you connect with everyone. And you belong to Amber, and you love all those kids.
I cannot take care of you anymore. You are not my man---Amber needs to do all that I do now---and she does, and more. She is food for your soul, too, apparently, something in her makes you keep coming back and coming back. Did I have that power with my own husband---in spite of all the women he loved in the thirty years, he kept coming back to me. yet I don't believe it was ever for me---it was for the kids, for the family. As it was for me----the family unit, the be all and the end all.
But for Otis, Amber is a big draw... God How i love this man----I love him. It's ridiculous and I hate that bitch because she got that good man. I torture myself thinking about what they must be doing at any given point in time---what are they doing now? Where are they eating? i can picture him laughing across the table with her----he is really so easy to get along with. It just kills me. It eats me up to think about it. I try to put it down in my mind---but it comes back to the surface.
I know that someday this will all pass and I will look back at it with hardly a memory--- I pray we'll be all right and watch us where we go-===in times where we don't know. let this be our prayer. when we lose our way, lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe.
Oh Otis, why did you pull me into your life? I was happy befoer you. And I haven't known any happiness since December, only torture and pain. Sadness. Self loathing. Everyone is happy in this relationship except for me. For your birthday I want to give you your freedom--go now with your family and your wife and PLEASE, I BET YOU, SET ME FREE. For your birthday, give me my freedom, set me free, please. As the tears fall down my face and drip off my chin and soak my shirt =-==set me free from your soul. Set me free. May God forgive me for every sin, for every failure to overcome temptation. Yes the hell we live is the hell we create for ourselves on this earth----
What are you diong today? What have you done all week? I miss you so, and you don't even know how much, or what you have done to me. You should not enter into a relationship like this with a woman like me---so desperate to love someone. So desperate tpo love. And me, here with my sentimental husband, who can barely tell a story now without getting all choked up. Did Imiss somewhere something with him. Am I forgetting how he has treated me, how he will again. Is anyone perfect? Oh Lord the pain of lving on this earth is sometimes beyond my capacity to endure it. It really is.
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