Yesterday was your birthday., You are 32----right in the middlle of a busy, full life. Your wife wished you a happy birthday on facebook, and it almost tore me up. to see her write, happy birthday to my hubby, I love you more and more as the years roll by. You are an great husband and an excellent father. and I know he is on at least the one hand, an excellent father. You are a special person---something about you, your spirit rises above the rest---it was calling me as you stood and looked at me from a distance down the hall. Your eyes kept calling me. And then you took off your scrub hat and I saw your big, round shiny shaved dome---and combine that with your mega-watt million watt smile---and that happy, amazinglaugh---and the way you listen to people and talk so easily and with such charm---kind of like my dad in the way you connect with everyone. And you belong to Amber, and you love all those kids.
I cannot take care of you anymore. You are not my man---Amber needs to do all that I do now---and she does, and more. She is food for your soul, too, apparently, something in her makes you keep coming back and coming back. Did I have that power with my own husband---in spite of all the women he loved in the thirty years, he kept coming back to me. yet I don't believe it was ever for me---it was for the kids, for the family. As it was for me----the family unit, the be all and the end all.
But for Otis, Amber is a big draw... God How i love this man----I love him. It's ridiculous and I hate that bitch because she got that good man. I torture myself thinking about what they must be doing at any given point in time---what are they doing now? Where are they eating? i can picture him laughing across the table with her----he is really so easy to get along with. It just kills me. It eats me up to think about it. I try to put it down in my mind---but it comes back to the surface.
I know that someday this will all pass and I will look back at it with hardly a memory--- I pray we'll be all right and watch us where we go-===in times where we don't know. let this be our prayer. when we lose our way, lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we'll be safe.
Oh Otis, why did you pull me into your life? I was happy befoer you. And I haven't known any happiness since December, only torture and pain. Sadness. Self loathing. Everyone is happy in this relationship except for me. For your birthday I want to give you your freedom--go now with your family and your wife and PLEASE, I BET YOU, SET ME FREE. For your birthday, give me my freedom, set me free, please. As the tears fall down my face and drip off my chin and soak my shirt =-==set me free from your soul. Set me free. May God forgive me for every sin, for every failure to overcome temptation. Yes the hell we live is the hell we create for ourselves on this earth----
What are you diong today? What have you done all week? I miss you so, and you don't even know how much, or what you have done to me. You should not enter into a relationship like this with a woman like me---so desperate to love someone. So desperate tpo love. And me, here with my sentimental husband, who can barely tell a story now without getting all choked up. Did Imiss somewhere something with him. Am I forgetting how he has treated me, how he will again. Is anyone perfect? Oh Lord the pain of lving on this earth is sometimes beyond my capacity to endure it. It really is.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
anger management
All I have to do to remind myself of my situation is to remember when Otis looked at my face when we met there in the ER. Yeah.....it's all good, he said. And with that I think my face must have looked like the sky right before a tornado hits---boiling with impending fury and rage ----I don't want to hurt you .....he said, as if he cared -----oh you son of a bitch. the worst thing you could EVER say to me---first of all, PLEASE! The way he used me, as his "bailer-outer", and called me up at work and said "she CUT me!" and how he was going to leave her ass====and all of the stuff that he just helped himself to when we would go shopping. Oh spare me ===spare me from feeling sorry for me---dont EVER feel sorry for me. DOn't worry about hurting me man----i can take care of my own fucking self. worry about your fucking fat bitch wife===worry about your bad twins, worry about your baby, worry about yourself, but don't worry about hurting me sonofabitch. Its tooooo fucking late for that asshole!
And I get so jealous thinking about him and her. Making love to her. I bet after their big blow out they made some mad good love ----i know they did. I just know they did. I hate that they have kids together, that they are tied together like that. I get so jealous thinking about him walking down to the corner and picking up Jaythanand the twins from school. Seeing his happy face and his shaved head and his big, manly self. and ?Amber getting to love ont hat, and that black skin for her onl,y I want to fucking kill that goddam fucking bitch. I hate her . I can never go back to the days where I take him for groceries---because I know she will be eating that food---I would resent every penny I spent if I knew that she enjoyed any of it, in any way----I just can't do it anymore. Amber can take of her kids, andher man. I can't do it anymore
And I get so jealous thinking about him and her. Making love to her. I bet after their big blow out they made some mad good love ----i know they did. I just know they did. I hate that they have kids together, that they are tied together like that. I get so jealous thinking about him walking down to the corner and picking up Jaythanand the twins from school. Seeing his happy face and his shaved head and his big, manly self. and ?Amber getting to love ont hat, and that black skin for her onl,y I want to fucking kill that goddam fucking bitch. I hate her . I can never go back to the days where I take him for groceries---because I know she will be eating that food---I would resent every penny I spent if I knew that she enjoyed any of it, in any way----I just can't do it anymore. Amber can take of her kids, andher man. I can't do it anymore
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
happy endings, new beginnings - amber bradley
The despair that I feel right now is about like the despair that I have felt in these past many posts---except for today we have here what I call the new reality. Because now I know---i know---i know. Saturday morning I took Otis to Kroger and I bought him abuot a hundred dollars worth of groceries, because he said they weren't due for more food stamps until Sept. 8th, Thursday, and there wasn't much food on the shelves. To be totally fair, he NEVER asked me for any of this on this day. But i said, well, what are you going to have for labor day? Nothing! he said. I don't have any money. Well, lets' go by Kroger or Walm art and get something to make, i said. I can't tell you what it does for me to imagine all those kids, esp the little twins, and Jaythan, with their shiny brown happy eyes, enjoying all the food that Otis would grill for them---seeing them gathered around the table while he made them burgers and hot dogs. So we started planning on what we would buy---baloney (balogna) he said. I love baloney. I haven't had any in so long. Baloney? I'm thinking? for real? Baloney is cheap,so have at it. Then I said, how about one of those big things of ground beef, and some more hot dogs, and some more beans. Well, we hit up Kroger. We got baloney, bread, hot dogs and hamburger buns, about ten pounds of ground beef, two packs of Ball Parks, buy one get one free, because he said nathan's were too salty, beans, honey buns and oreos, and baby formula for the baby, becasue they were almost out, and Amber was diluting the formula to make it stretch. Also. a couple of containers of strained peas, and blueberries and apples, Imodium because Otis had the shits, from giving himself too much of the laxative, the moscato wine with the naked man on the bottle, Yuengling beer, and a pack of cigarettes.
We stopped at Burger King and I bought him two ciabatta breakfast sandwiches, one of which he gave his dad when he dropped his new pair of shorts that I got him, over to his dads. I took him back to East Point and dropped him off a couple blocks from home, toting all the bags. And I felt happy to know that he would have a good weekend, grilling and the kids would have something to eat, with their daddy.
Saturday night I went to work and it is always a little quiet and a little lonesome without him there, but I like it too, because then I can sleep if we don't have any cases. If he's there and we don't have any cases, he comes and gets me and wants me to hang with him. Saturday morning I get a call from him and he is profoundly upset. He said he had been out walking since three in the morning. Amber apparently got drunk (on the beer I had bought?) and for some reason went in search of his phone, which she found in Jaythans room. She apparently found blank picture spaces on it where I had attempted to send him some pics, and maybe one of the shoes which I had bought that he liked. I don't know about that becasuse it's hard for me to get the story straight from him when he is upset. He said, she cut me with a knife, man! I'm like, What?" She CUT you. Yeah, man. And then she apparently tried to hit him with a candle, one that I bought for him. So I guess he jumped up and ran out the house. I was very upset, worried about him and I was driving home, went past Old National Hwy, and at Flat shoals I think, I'm just gonna go by his daddy's house and see if he is there. Sure enough, there he was sitting in the garage with his daddy and his auntie, sitting there in the Roca denims I bought him, his True Religion boots and a wife beater shirt. And how I love him in that. He saw me go by and I cont. to drive but he ran down the driveway to meet me. He was looking really nervous, told me that Amber had JUST been by to borrow money from his dad for gas?????? (Why was she there? what the fuck, I don't understand anything?????????? He said she just left out of here. Well I was so worried about you, I said! LEt me see your cut. It was nothing. NOthing. Barely a scratch on the skin. what the fuck!!!! Okay. well man, you were talking to me and then we got cut off----hell, I thought she stabbed you in the back and killed yoU! I'm alright baby, he said. Okay, well, I'm gonna have to let you go, I said. Too much drama here for me. He shook his head. Yes. I said. But I didn't really mean it. I'll go then, I said, and I pulled out, went dfown to the corner, turned around and drove past again, and I felt kind of pissed, the way he leaves me hanging like that, thinking he was cut up and maybe dead
So then I go to Walmart on Old National cuz I wanted to buy MY family something for Labor Day to grill and eat! And he calls me. I'm hungry, he says. Where are you. I'm at Walmart. Oh, probably already in Union city already, he says. No. I'm right here on Old National. What do you want, I can get you something. Get me one of those pizzas we were looking at the other day---what kind? Pepperoni and ground beef. I picked him out a big meat trio pizza because there wasn't any just pepperoni and ground beef, three chocolate milks, two dr peppers and some club crackers. I picked out my own stuff and paid, ---drove it back to his dad's house on Springdale. HE came out to the end of the driveway and I handed over the goods. Be careful, I said. I drove away and I felt like I had at least fed my man==that he wouldn't go hungry.
Well, later that day I get a call from him from his sister Tam's house. They were both on the line, and both saying that Amber had spent the night and all that day calling everyone in the family ten times and more, wanting to talk to everyone, and they were all like, why should we talk to you now, you never talk to us any other times. so no one was spilling anything. Also, one of Amber's friends had gotten on somehow under my FB page and said they saw all kinds of pictures of Otis on there, and while I do have one whole album dedicated solely to pictures of him, that album is visible only to me, and always has been visible only to me. The other album is a pictorial tour of the OR and all of my friends, male and female, and there are four pics of Otis on there. I was scared shitless and shaking though--scared about everything. Scared that Otis was gonna get major busted by his wife, that she would have lots of dirt on him, that she would make my life hell, and etc etc.
But I looked back at my FB profile and saw that everything was secured and private as I thought, so we parted ways again. He called me one more time from his mama's, saying he was going to go down to child support services and find out what he was going to have to pay because he kept saying, I'm done, I'm done. I'm done with her ass. And honestly, this time, I thought he really meant it. I knew that this would actually be no good for me, because then Otis would have to find another Boo to put him up, because he literally had no where to go,---he just didn't want to go stay with his mama. We found out last week that Tammy was no longer an option, --the big fat girl who told him her door would always be open to him, had found herself a fiance. I also figured out something this morning too, as I was driving and thinking---Otis picks big fat lonely women for a reason---they're the ones who will do ANYTHING FOR a man, to keep him, to love him, ANYTHING. I was one of those---big fat girls.
\
Yesterday I read my horoscope and it was the most chilling one I have ever gotten---it shook me to my core---I knew something bad was going to happen after I read it. I will retrieve the paper and write it down in its entirety as it was written---but basically it said your tendency to be overly generous is going to blow up in your face---I knew the whole situation was going to fall apart--I knew I was screwed. Don't really believe in those things--but I believed in that one.
Aries: September 5th, 2011---A tendency to go overboard as a generous benefactor might not pan out.
toooo fucking ironic
Well, I went to bed and I was really expecting him to call me from work---so looking forward to talking things out---see what happened, what his next move would be. And I realized that for me, him breaking up with Amber would actually be a bad thing, because like I said, he would then be on the make for another bailer outer (that's what he called me, once). But the dreamer in me, I don't know, thought we could continue on for awhile---hell, I know we couldn't, maybe I thought it would be easier to break it off.
But he did not call---I had that phone on vibrate next to my arm,, between my boobs, constantly in contact with my body so I could feel it vibrate and answer. But 11 pm came and went, 11:30 , 12:00---i knew by eleven thirty he wasn't calling, and I felt puzzled, because I felt sure i would get a call and I would be able to commiserate some more with this sorry state of affairs.
But next morning I dragged my weary self out of bed---went downstairs after my shower and fired up facebook. What do I fucking see first thing---Amber Bradley's post. "I love Happy Endings, and new Beginnings." I knew right then and there that the two of them had kissed and made up, and more than likely he had called her from his work phone, because she wouldn't know what work cell he had been given, so it was him who had to call her. He couldn't stand it, he couldn't take it. He can't stand not being with her, or the kids, or all of them. Or maybe he had nowhere to go, but back home.
I found my last twenty in my purse, because he had asked me, or did I offer it (my God I made it so easy for him to use me---pitiful fat old woman) because he needed money to get to the bus and to the child support office---I decided I wasn't going to answer the phone at first, because I knew we had to arrange to meet to hand off the money---but then I decided I would answer it and tell him he could go up to Level K and find it under the tool box on the Ranger. Where he had left the honey buns and the oreos---which I also brought. But then he called me, and he said, I'm down here in the ER---so I decided I was going to give him his honey buns and his (my) money, and end it.
So I met hiim, ===I handed him the bag of honey buns and oreos, --I think my face said everything---yeah, he said, everything is good----yeah, I know you two are back together I said. And that;s what i want for you, i said. I was already choking up, becaues I was so frustrated with his weak ass====jacking me around, playing with my feelings, sucking me, and his whole family into his drama with that fucking bitch===I don't want to hurt you, he said. Oh MOTHER FUCKER!!! "The worst goddam thing that son of a bitch could EVER say to me. dont give me your pity, don't feel sorry for me, don't need your pity-=---go back to your fucking wife. I don't need your pity. Give me a hug, he said. Oh fuck you. Thats what that bastard said to me the last time he MADE THE TIME TO STAY, but it was for the money, as usual. And it was the most insulting shit hug I ever got. Like you would hug your old aunt who pees on herself. Oh nono nonononon ==fuck, you and your hug and i don't want to hurt you. Stick that up your ass mother fucker. I put out my arm and said NO. No. Then I said, Don't call me, don't call me at night. He seemed surprised and sad. Oh. Okay, he said. I looked about me wildly for the exit out of the fucking ER,l because it's like a rat's maze of doors down there. Here, he said, right here. He pressed the button to open the automatic door and I went out, but I was lost. I turned around and watched him slowly walk away, and of course he never looked back. And i idly wondered, where he got the really nice, oversized umbrella that he was carrying.
We stopped at Burger King and I bought him two ciabatta breakfast sandwiches, one of which he gave his dad when he dropped his new pair of shorts that I got him, over to his dads. I took him back to East Point and dropped him off a couple blocks from home, toting all the bags. And I felt happy to know that he would have a good weekend, grilling and the kids would have something to eat, with their daddy.
Saturday night I went to work and it is always a little quiet and a little lonesome without him there, but I like it too, because then I can sleep if we don't have any cases. If he's there and we don't have any cases, he comes and gets me and wants me to hang with him. Saturday morning I get a call from him and he is profoundly upset. He said he had been out walking since three in the morning. Amber apparently got drunk (on the beer I had bought?) and for some reason went in search of his phone, which she found in Jaythans room. She apparently found blank picture spaces on it where I had attempted to send him some pics, and maybe one of the shoes which I had bought that he liked. I don't know about that becasuse it's hard for me to get the story straight from him when he is upset. He said, she cut me with a knife, man! I'm like, What?" She CUT you. Yeah, man. And then she apparently tried to hit him with a candle, one that I bought for him. So I guess he jumped up and ran out the house. I was very upset, worried about him and I was driving home, went past Old National Hwy, and at Flat shoals I think, I'm just gonna go by his daddy's house and see if he is there. Sure enough, there he was sitting in the garage with his daddy and his auntie, sitting there in the Roca denims I bought him, his True Religion boots and a wife beater shirt. And how I love him in that. He saw me go by and I cont. to drive but he ran down the driveway to meet me. He was looking really nervous, told me that Amber had JUST been by to borrow money from his dad for gas?????? (Why was she there? what the fuck, I don't understand anything?????????? He said she just left out of here. Well I was so worried about you, I said! LEt me see your cut. It was nothing. NOthing. Barely a scratch on the skin. what the fuck!!!! Okay. well man, you were talking to me and then we got cut off----hell, I thought she stabbed you in the back and killed yoU! I'm alright baby, he said. Okay, well, I'm gonna have to let you go, I said. Too much drama here for me. He shook his head. Yes. I said. But I didn't really mean it. I'll go then, I said, and I pulled out, went dfown to the corner, turned around and drove past again, and I felt kind of pissed, the way he leaves me hanging like that, thinking he was cut up and maybe dead
So then I go to Walmart on Old National cuz I wanted to buy MY family something for Labor Day to grill and eat! And he calls me. I'm hungry, he says. Where are you. I'm at Walmart. Oh, probably already in Union city already, he says. No. I'm right here on Old National. What do you want, I can get you something. Get me one of those pizzas we were looking at the other day---what kind? Pepperoni and ground beef. I picked him out a big meat trio pizza because there wasn't any just pepperoni and ground beef, three chocolate milks, two dr peppers and some club crackers. I picked out my own stuff and paid, ---drove it back to his dad's house on Springdale. HE came out to the end of the driveway and I handed over the goods. Be careful, I said. I drove away and I felt like I had at least fed my man==that he wouldn't go hungry.
Well, later that day I get a call from him from his sister Tam's house. They were both on the line, and both saying that Amber had spent the night and all that day calling everyone in the family ten times and more, wanting to talk to everyone, and they were all like, why should we talk to you now, you never talk to us any other times. so no one was spilling anything. Also, one of Amber's friends had gotten on somehow under my FB page and said they saw all kinds of pictures of Otis on there, and while I do have one whole album dedicated solely to pictures of him, that album is visible only to me, and always has been visible only to me. The other album is a pictorial tour of the OR and all of my friends, male and female, and there are four pics of Otis on there. I was scared shitless and shaking though--scared about everything. Scared that Otis was gonna get major busted by his wife, that she would have lots of dirt on him, that she would make my life hell, and etc etc.
But I looked back at my FB profile and saw that everything was secured and private as I thought, so we parted ways again. He called me one more time from his mama's, saying he was going to go down to child support services and find out what he was going to have to pay because he kept saying, I'm done, I'm done. I'm done with her ass. And honestly, this time, I thought he really meant it. I knew that this would actually be no good for me, because then Otis would have to find another Boo to put him up, because he literally had no where to go,---he just didn't want to go stay with his mama. We found out last week that Tammy was no longer an option, --the big fat girl who told him her door would always be open to him, had found herself a fiance. I also figured out something this morning too, as I was driving and thinking---Otis picks big fat lonely women for a reason---they're the ones who will do ANYTHING FOR a man, to keep him, to love him, ANYTHING. I was one of those---big fat girls.
\
Yesterday I read my horoscope and it was the most chilling one I have ever gotten---it shook me to my core---I knew something bad was going to happen after I read it. I will retrieve the paper and write it down in its entirety as it was written---but basically it said your tendency to be overly generous is going to blow up in your face---I knew the whole situation was going to fall apart--I knew I was screwed. Don't really believe in those things--but I believed in that one.
Aries: September 5th, 2011---A tendency to go overboard as a generous benefactor might not pan out.
toooo fucking ironic
Well, I went to bed and I was really expecting him to call me from work---so looking forward to talking things out---see what happened, what his next move would be. And I realized that for me, him breaking up with Amber would actually be a bad thing, because like I said, he would then be on the make for another bailer outer (that's what he called me, once). But the dreamer in me, I don't know, thought we could continue on for awhile---hell, I know we couldn't, maybe I thought it would be easier to break it off.
But he did not call---I had that phone on vibrate next to my arm,, between my boobs, constantly in contact with my body so I could feel it vibrate and answer. But 11 pm came and went, 11:30 , 12:00---i knew by eleven thirty he wasn't calling, and I felt puzzled, because I felt sure i would get a call and I would be able to commiserate some more with this sorry state of affairs.
But next morning I dragged my weary self out of bed---went downstairs after my shower and fired up facebook. What do I fucking see first thing---Amber Bradley's post. "I love Happy Endings, and new Beginnings." I knew right then and there that the two of them had kissed and made up, and more than likely he had called her from his work phone, because she wouldn't know what work cell he had been given, so it was him who had to call her. He couldn't stand it, he couldn't take it. He can't stand not being with her, or the kids, or all of them. Or maybe he had nowhere to go, but back home.
I found my last twenty in my purse, because he had asked me, or did I offer it (my God I made it so easy for him to use me---pitiful fat old woman) because he needed money to get to the bus and to the child support office---I decided I wasn't going to answer the phone at first, because I knew we had to arrange to meet to hand off the money---but then I decided I would answer it and tell him he could go up to Level K and find it under the tool box on the Ranger. Where he had left the honey buns and the oreos---which I also brought. But then he called me, and he said, I'm down here in the ER---so I decided I was going to give him his honey buns and his (my) money, and end it.
So I met hiim, ===I handed him the bag of honey buns and oreos, --I think my face said everything---yeah, he said, everything is good----yeah, I know you two are back together I said. And that;s what i want for you, i said. I was already choking up, becaues I was so frustrated with his weak ass====jacking me around, playing with my feelings, sucking me, and his whole family into his drama with that fucking bitch===I don't want to hurt you, he said. Oh MOTHER FUCKER!!! "The worst goddam thing that son of a bitch could EVER say to me. dont give me your pity, don't feel sorry for me, don't need your pity-=---go back to your fucking wife. I don't need your pity. Give me a hug, he said. Oh fuck you. Thats what that bastard said to me the last time he MADE THE TIME TO STAY, but it was for the money, as usual. And it was the most insulting shit hug I ever got. Like you would hug your old aunt who pees on herself. Oh nono nonononon ==fuck, you and your hug and i don't want to hurt you. Stick that up your ass mother fucker. I put out my arm and said NO. No. Then I said, Don't call me, don't call me at night. He seemed surprised and sad. Oh. Okay, he said. I looked about me wildly for the exit out of the fucking ER,l because it's like a rat's maze of doors down there. Here, he said, right here. He pressed the button to open the automatic door and I went out, but I was lost. I turned around and watched him slowly walk away, and of course he never looked back. And i idly wondered, where he got the really nice, oversized umbrella that he was carrying.
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